Please believe us when we say, we really do understand the challenge.
We get it that in your heart, you are a good, honest person who simply wants the same from someone else. When you really get down to it, you just want to Love someone and be Loved by someone without all the games, drama, and craziness.
And you can't, for the life of you, figure out why that's so difficult. It seems to be impossible for two people to meet, authentically connect, Love each other, be good to each other, and happily spend their lives together. By this point, you're seriously doubting that it's ever going to happen for you.
But again, why should it be so difficult?
You know that if you were to meet the right person, it would be easy for you to do that and there has to be someone else who feels like you do, right?
Even though you know that's true in theory, the dating world seems to be full of toxic people, and the connections you've made so far usually bring out the worst in you, not the best.
You want to know, "Why am I not succeeding?" And that's what we're going to share with you in this post. We're going to tell you exactly what's wrong with dating right now, why it's full of toxic people, and what you have to do to get off of that hamster wheel and on to the kind of Love you're really looking for.
Reason #1: You're Living a Lie... We All Are
You may think that your lack of success so far is about you, something that you're doing wrong, or something that is wrong with you.
On the other hand, you may think it's about other people, something that's wrong with them.
Maybe you think it's a little bit of both, and that's actually closest to the truth but probably not in the way that you think.
The truth is that you (and everyone else) have been lied to. We've been sold a false idea about what Love is and how to find it. The lie didn't come from any one person, and it's not a grand conspiracy or anything like that. It's more of a cultural belief system that has evolved over the years. Regardless of where it came from though, the fact remains that it's here and we're living with it.
The Lie you've been sold is simply this:
You are unworthy, you are incomplete, and only when you find Love will you be worthy and live happily ever after.
This is the fundamental idea that makes dating impossible and futile. This is the reason for all of the challenges in your Love life and the most important thing you must confront if you ever want to have a successful relationship.
The problem with this idea is that it gives you a false perception of what Love is and how it works. It tells you that getting Love from another person is going to solve your problems, bring you happiness, and make you feel better.
That is completely false. It doesn't do that at all.
This idea sends you and everyone else out into the dating world seeking to take from each other--looking for someone to Love you, make you happy, bring you amusement, satisfy your needs, and so on. From this perspective, dating isn't about getting to know someone and having an authentic connection with them, it's about finding someone you can use to satisfy your need to Love, and for companionship, friendship, and sex.
This is what we call the fundamental rule of hookup culture: You're only good as far as I can use you and beyond that, you mean nothing to me.
Reason #2: You're Too Concerned With Your Own "Needs" and Fears
Let's take a look at how this plays out in real life. I want to introduce you to a woman named Molly.
Molly is in her mid 30's. She's a cool person, attractive, fun, and has a great job. Most people think that her life is a dream and even she says it is. The only thing missing for Molly is that she wants to get married, she's getting older and can't seem to meet the right man.
Now, Molly does have a couple of men in her life.
John is one of them. She likes John, they're really close and they really care about each other. She knows that John would fall head over heels for her if she let him, but she's keeping him at arm's length. In her heart, she knows that she's not going to choose him but she doesn't want to admit it yet because she's afraid of losing him. He's kind, trustworthy, and dependable. He's there for her when she needs him. He's good to her and she doesn't want to lose that.
Who is really on her mind right now: Derek.
Derek is one of the executives at her company. He is everything that Molly finds attractive about a man: bold, confident, funny, charming, successful. Molly really admires him. She's been watching him for a while now and he's noticed. They hooked up at a company retreat six months ago and have been seeing each other off and on ever since.
Derek treats Molly like a queen when they're together and she feels like she's in Love with him. The only problem is that when they're not together, he's impossible to get a hold of. Sometimes he doesn't return her calls and texts for days. One time Molly's car battery died and she called Derek to help her out. He told her that he had other plans and couldn't make it. She called John and he came.
What Molly doesn't know is that Derek is still seeing his Ex, Stephanie, from time to time. What Derek doesn't tell anyone is that he's crushed by their breakup and he wants more than anything for her to come back to him. Stephanie, on the other hand, is keeping him around for her own security, knowing that she's never getting back together with him.
Derek is to Stephanie what John is to Molly.
And the cycle goes on and on and on. Can you see it?
Each person in the story is obsessed with their own needs and fears. They're not bad people necessarily, they are normal people with normal desires who are going about it in the wrong way. Every person in this story is using someone else to meet their needs for their own significance, security, companionship, sex, validation.
You can never have a successful relationship as long as you believe that you "need" another person. That idea is the poison that will make any relationship toxic.
Successful relationships are based on a foundation of two people who already feel complete coming together to build and create a life with each other.
Reason #3: You Are Perpetuating the Cycle
I want you to imagine being in this cycle like you're on a hamster wheel.
Many people recognize that they're living in this cycle. What they don't recognize is how to free themselves from it. Using the hamster wheel analogy, they think that by being stronger, faster, or better at the game, they will beat the wheel. That is, if they can simply run fast enough, they will finally get somewhere. That should help you understand why dating is exhausting.
It doesn't matter how pretty, sexy, talented, fun, and smart you are--toxic cycles are toxic cycles and while you are in them, that is all that's available.
The way to beat the hamster wheel is to get off of it.
So what does that mean?
The cycle perpetuates itself through people using people. When people feel like they are unworthy, less-than, not good enough, or any other variation, they attempt to overcompensate for that by using other people for validation.
Whether it is using a woman for sexual conquest so you feel more like a man, using a man for intimacy so you don't feel so alone, chasing someone who you feel is out of your league to try and prove to yourself that you are worthy, keeping someone a phone call away just in case you get bored--these are all different forms of the same game.
In each of these instances, you are using up someone's time, attention, and energy without being willing or able to truly give them what they are asking for. This is the "let's use relationships for personal validation" game and there is no Love to be found here.
So how do you get out of it? It's really very simple and this is what much of our content is teaching:
You have to be absolutely unwilling to use or be used by anyone.
This means that when there is someone who is interested in you and you enjoy their company but you know they want more than you are willing to give them, you need to be honest about it. Yes, you will probably lose them when you do, but out of respect for them and wanting them to have what they want, you make that sacrifice.
When you see that someone is becoming more important to you than you are to them, you have to stop it. You can't keep working for them hoping that one day they'll change their mind. You have to know that you deserve more.
Going back to the fundamental lie that you are unworthy, you are incomplete, and only when you find Love will you be worthy and live happily ever after--
You have to stop living as though that is true.
We often talk about the qualities of good, honorable men and women and people always follow up by asking us, "Do you know where I can meet someone like that?"
Yes, we know lots of places to meet people like that and, of course, we can share some of them, but before you go trying to meet someone like that, this is the bridge you have to cross:
You have to be someone who understands that you are too worthy to participate in the hamster wheel dating and relationship cycle in any way, someone who has the courage to walk away from anyone who is not making an equal investment in the relationship, and someone who has enough respect for others to never allow another person to diminish themselves in order to be with you.
You have to understand that Love is not about being fulfilled by another person, it's about being fulfilled already and bringing that fulfillment to a relationship. It's not about being Loved by someone, it's about Loving someone.
This is the game that the dating world is built on: competition, conquest, and power over others. To engage in that game in any way is to walk away from everything that True Love has to offer.
We have a program that is designed to free you from all toxic and unfulfilling cycles and streamline you toward the Love that you so truly deserve, it's called the Epic Love Program. In it, we work with you very closely to identify anything in your life that is perpetuating these cycles and show you how you can free yourself for good. We'd like to invite you to join. Space is limited so click here to schedule a free interview to see if the program is a fit for you.
Thanks for reading and lots of Love <3
Thank you so much for enjoying our content! Our greatest joy comes from knowing that people like you are using it to transform their lives and relationships and that the world is becoming a better place because of it.
We know the feeling of being alone, of struggling through what seems like an endless series of dead-end relationships, of waiting for the phone to ring, of being rejected and let down again.
We know what it's like to go to bed alone each night wondering if that will ever change and fearing that it might not.
We know these experiences all too well and that is why we do the work we do. We want you to know that you can find Love, that just the application of these simple tools and practices can make a complete difference in every aspect of your Love life and ultimately lead you to the lifetime partnership you so deeply crave.
You're not in this alone. We're here for you <3
Please keep enjoying our content and if you'd like to learn about joining one of our coaching programs, click here.