top of page

3 Things You Should Know Before Starting a New Relationship

We received a message from someone in our following over the weekend that got us talking. This person was truly suffering when she reached out to us because after two months, someone that she had fallen head-over-heels in Love with decided to go back to their Ex with no warning and then blocked and ghosted her altogether.

She was crushed (as anyone would be) and was asking us if there was anything she could do to salvage the relationship. I don't think she liked our answer which was to recognize that this is not a relationship worth salvaging, that this person clearly didn't care about her the way she wanted him to.

Even if she could salvage the relationship, it would ultimately end up hurting more and she should focus on re-building her self-esteem and learning to expect more from relationships.

Perhaps what most stood out to us about this woman's situation was how unprepared she was going into the relationship. And since we get requests like this all of the time (and have done all the same things ourselves in the past) we know that she's not the only one.

We know the feeling of falling in Love very well. Especially when you are lonely, the promise that someone could permanently take that away is something that anyone would want to believe in. Generally speaking, life is challenging, at times depressing, and can even be terrifying, so when someone tells you that they love you and will always be there for you (as he did in the instance we've been talking about) of course you will want to believe them.

And of course, when all of that is suddenly ripped away, you'll want to believe that there is a way to get it all back.

Here's the big problem: When the false illusions you had about the relationship become shattered and rather than facing up to that fact, you start to question yourself with things like:

Did I do something wrong?

Maybe I should change?

Maybe I'm too much?

Maybe there's something wrong with me?

When you start asking questions like these, you're setting yourself up to exchange your self-esteem, dignity, and confidence for a relationship with this person. This is the beginning of a highly toxic relationship.

All too often, we end up in situations like this not recognizing until way too late how far down the rabbit hole we've gone, and how much we've lost in the process. Usually, only when the pain of losing yourself becomes greater than the pain of losing that person is when you'll finally recognize what has happened.

So much of this will be prevented when you become absolutely clear about a few things before you consider starting a new relationship. In this post, we're discussing 3 specific things that you should know before going into it.

#1 Just because it feels good, doesn't mean it's Love

One of the less popular (but most important) conversations we have with people who are experiencing the disillusionment of a new relationship is: It's not that you're in Love with them, it's that you're in Love with the way they made you feel.

To really discuss "what Love is" is outside the scope of this post but we will say what it's not--It's not the feeling that you have for someone after a couple of months of dating. Early on when you say "I Love you," what you usually mean is that "I Love the way I feel when I'm with you."

This one confusion is causing most of the problems you have in new relationships. We assume that what we are experiencing is Love and that therefore this relationship is somehow "special." The idea that you have something special with that person makes you cling to that person, and you forget that these experiences can be created with many people.

A meaningful relationship is not the electricity that you have when you first meet someone. It is something that you build with someone over time.

As soon as you begin to think that what you have with this person is something "special," you place yourself in a position of needing that person for you to be fulfilled, happy, and connected. They now have your power and all they have to do is withdraw a little bit of their "love" to ignite that craving inside you. The wrong person can and will manipulate that power.

When you understand that these experiences are not something special that comes from a specific person but rather the universal experience that comes when two human beings share a connection, and you also understand that there are millions of people you can potentially create those experiences with, you free yourself of the need to cling to any one person. Now you are actually free TO LOVE.

Please don't misunderstand this to mean that the experiences you share are unimportant or irrelevant--they are vitally important. While it is not True Love in the way we talk about it, it is the possibility of Love. Even if the relationship ultimately goes nowhere, your experiences with that person were showing you a possibility of something you could have with someone.

What we're saying is simply to recognize that these are experiences that YOU create. Love does not cling. If someone wants to go, Love lets them go. If someone would be happier without you, Love wants them to be happy. Loving in this way is what makes you the kind of person that someone wants to fall in Love with.

#2 You always get what you allow

You can expect that your relationships will always reflect your minimum standards. For example, if you allow cheating, you will end up with someone who cheats. If you allow someone to speak down to you, you will end up with someone who speaks down to you. If you allow someone to leave dirty dishes in the sink, you'll end up with a sink full of dirty dishes.

Most people in dating have no real clarity about their standards. They don't know where the line is and therefore they don't know when it gets crossed. If someone tells you that they will call you tonight and you wait for their call and it never comes, you obviously won't feel good about that.

When they call the next day with some lame excuse (or neglect to even acknowledge that they didn't call) and you decide not to mention your disappointment because you're afraid to rock the boat or you don't want them to know you were waiting for it, you are basically telling them that it's ok to do that.

The beginning of the relationship is when you are building the framework for the rest of the time that you spend together. Early on, people are inclined to overlook things and let them slide until the frustration becomes so much that they can't bear it anymore.

The concessions you make in the beginning usually erupt into fights down the road and the other person feels blindsided because what has always been ok is suddenly wrong.

While it may be uncomfortable, going into a new relationship with the awareness that you are consciously creating whatever future you will have together from the start and having the courage to bring things up as they come up will save you a lot of trouble in the long run.

In many cases, this will determine the success or failure of the relationship as a whole.

Know what your standards are. Know what you are not willing to accept and make sure that someone you're dating understands that too. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated and this will save you the time and trouble of people who don't want to do that.

#3 They don't have to be The One--and they might be

In a new relationship, there is usually way too much pressure for it to work out. Strong feelings and attachments usually develop very quickly and that leads one or both people to feel like they can't get out if they want to.

This is why people end up "ghosting" people they are seeing. We're not condoning this--it's cowardly behavior--but we do understand where it comes from. When someone feels that the attachment and expectation being put on them is too much, they've said things that they didn't really mean, and they don't know how to face up to it, they just disappear.

We always recommend that new couples have an open dialog about where they stand in the relationship. Create an understanding with each other: we're trying this out, we don't know where it's going, and wherever it goes is ok.

We're not saying you don't ask for commitments. A very basic commitment is to not see other people, to give this relationship an honest chance, but you can give the relationship an honest chance while still allowing each other the freedom to choose to leave.

You put someone in a really tough position when early on, you ask them things like, "Will you always Love me?" or "Promise me you'll never leave." Most people don't want to kill the mood so they'll go along with it, they might even mean it in the moment, but they couldn't possibly make that promise in reality.

When dating someone new, let them know it's ok if they stay and it's ok if they go. Tell them that you might choose to go yourself.

This is the only healthy basis on which two people can get to know each other.

Please understand, we're not saying that anything goes. You should be paying close attention to them, knowing what you are looking for, and deciding for yourself if this is a relationship that you want. You should be having the challenging conversations with each other that will lay the groundwork for a future between the two of you.

Simply do all of this with the understanding that either of you may decide that this is not what you want, and if you do, that's ok.

Giving each other that kind of freedom in the beginning is what allows the potential for True Love to actually grow between you. When you don't, you suffocate the new Love before it even has an opportunity to become realized.

Sometimes we are aching for Love so badly that when we meet someone who shows potential, we become so afraid that if we lose them we'll never find anyone like them again, so it has to work. But freedom is a fundamental need for most people and when someone feels like their freedom is being taken away, they will usually resist that.

Love is only worth it when someone gives it to you because they want to. If you feel unworthy, you will doubt that anyone would ever Love you in that way but please realize there is someone who wants someone to Love just as much as you do.

The work we do with singles is about learning how to walk the line of giving your search for Love everything you have while maintaining your dignity and grace and using every potential relationship as a tool for growth that propels you towards the Love of your Life. When you learn to walk this line, finding the Love you truly desire is only a matter of time.

If you'd like information on our singles programs, click here.

Lots of Love to you and thanks for reading <3

Thank you so much for enjoying our content! Our greatest joy comes from knowing that people like you are using it to transform their lives and relationships and that the world is becoming a better place because of it.

We know the feeling of being alone, of struggling through what seems like an endless series of dead-end relationships, of waiting for the phone to ring, of being rejected and let down again.

We know what it's like to go to bed alone each night wondering if that will ever change and fearing that it might not.

We know these experiences all too well and that is why we do the work we do. We want you to know that you can find Love, that just the application of these simple tools and practices can make a complete difference in every aspect of your Love life and ultimately lead you to the lifetime partnership you so deeply crave.

You're not in this alone. We're here for you <3

Please keep enjoying our content and if you'd like to learn about joining one of our coaching programs, click here.


bottom of page