Like it or not, texting is the thing that everyone is doing, and while it's not necessarily the best form of communication, it is the safest, most convenient and easiest way to connect with someone, especially someone new.
If you're dating and not texting, you're missing out on some of your best opportunities to flirt and create connection. If you're texting but you're not good at it, you are missing out on some great opportunities to get new dates and build intrigue between dates.
If you do it successfully, you'll build interest and have them dying to meet you or see you again. If you are unsuccessful, they'll likely start to lose interest. There are only a few things you have to do to really pique someone's curiosity about you. Doing these things will not only attract the right kind of person but also identify the wrong kind, so mastering this skill will save you a lot of time in the long run.
Here are the 4 things you should definitely be doing while texting and dating:
#1 Be Interesting
The worst possible text in the world is, "What are you up to?"
You're basically saying, "I have nothing going on, please entertain me," and the underlying message in that is that you're not interesting. Why would someone invest their time in someone who's not bringing something of seeming value to the table?
Especially when you're using dating apps and people are getting hundreds of messages a day that say "What's up?" or "Hey there", these messages don't differentiate you or distinguish you in any way. The people that respond to messages like that are likely people that don't really have much going on in their lives.
Someone with a busy life and high standards is going to decide very quickly if they want to talk to you or not, and so if you want to get their attention, you have to be someone that stands out. Offer something new and different, something that makes them stop and think.
Speaking with you should be something that makes them better. Lead with value and share intelligent things that actually improve their life. Share a powerful quote or idea, an inspirational message. Ask a silly question.
Be positive. People like to be around happy people. Make them think, make them laugh, make them feel. Make them say, "I really like talking to this person."
#2 Be Interested
You have to lead with being interesting because, in dating, people are usually looking for, "What's in it for me?", and so you show them by sharing and talking about all the cool things you do or are into. People who only know how to be interesting are great at getting attention initially, but if they can't equally be interested, people will quickly lose interest in them.
If your first message to someone is, "So tell me about yourself...", chances are they will probably be uncomfortable revealing too much not knowing if you're someone they even want to share about themselves. But once they get to know you, if you're mostly or only talking about yourself, you'll seem self-absorbed. It may take some time for the other person to open up and share at the start, but most people really do want to talk about themselves.
As you continue to get to know them you have to become less about being interesting and more about being interested. Become more about showing an interest in who they are, what activities and interests they are into. Ask questions about their life and their experiences, ask about their family and where they grew up. Find out their history, listen to their stories of the things they've been through.
Find out the things they want in life--their dreams and desires. Ask about their goals, what are they working on, what matters to them, what they think about things, what are they afraid of. Be invested in learning about them and share the same kind of things about yourself. Match a story of theirs with similar stories of your own.
Make them feel that a relationship is being formed and create a connection that has them look forward to your next message.
Sharing like this creates trust and that's what keeps the relationship going. The more someone shares with you, the more they feel that they've invested in a relationship with you and the more they're going to want to continue that relationship. If you never bridge this level of conversation, it will start to feel dull, like it's not going anywhere.
#3 Be Consistent
There is nothing more frustrating than texting with someone who is super connected one day and MIA the next. So many people do this while dating and to anybody with a high sense of self-respect, this is an immediate turn-off.
Yes people like to play games, they like to make you wait for it or work for it, but people who are serious about having a relationship don't have time for games like this and they will quickly lose interest.
The longer you are getting to know someone the more connected you should become, not less. After you've been texting for a while, don't be afraid to start texting them every day to say "Hi" and "Good Morning". Send them a picture of something going on in your day, they will appreciate it.
As a relationship is growing, this is one of the best ways you can keep yourself on their mind and continue feeding the relationship overall. It helps to foster the feeling that they are becoming a part of something.
Be consistent but also expect consistency. Don't be shy to reach out, but if they are being inconsistent with you, you need to move on so as not to waste your time.
As with all things in dating, only put the effort in where someone is making equal effort in return. You don't have to be afraid of showing your interest and having them not respond to it.
As long as they are showing up, you keep showing up. If they stop, they are just showing you that they are looking for something else--maybe someone they can play games with. If that's not what you're looking for, there's no harm in losing them.
#4 Set Your Standards
One of the great things about texting is you can send out very clear messages that are much more thought out than if you were just in conversation. When you text intentionally, it is one of the best tools you have to let them know exactly where you stand, what is acceptable and what is not.
Let's say you're discussing seeing each other over the weekend and they say to you, "OK, I'll check in with you this weekend and we'll see if we can get together."
This is an excellent opportunity for you to show them how you expect to be treated by saying something like, "Well if you wait until the weekend, this is probably not going to happen because I'm not just going to wait around and hope that you call. But if you'd like to plan a date, I'm open Saturday night ;)"
(I added the winky face intentionally because it softens the blow and makes it playful while still sending a very clear message.)
This is partially about you being good at catching their interest but it's also about you determining if they are worth your time. As I said earlier, if you are not using text efficiently while dating, you a not utilizing one of your best tools you have to design the relationship from the start.
We teach people how to treat us. From the moment you meet someone, you are telling them exactly how you want them to treat you.
By setting clear boundaries in your text messages, early on they start to understand the kind of person you are. They then have the opportunity to say, "Yes I'd love to take you out on Saturday."
You want them to have that opportunity because that's when they show you what you can expect from them. Doing this will help you to quickly realize who is not worth your time. If you don't do this, you will find out much later and it will be much more difficult.
There is no way around it--if you're dating you have to text. It can be your best friend or your worst nightmare, but in today's world, you will likely text before you call. This is your opportunity to get their attention, create connection, learn about them and help them learn about you, all in what only takes a few seconds at a time.
Be fun, interesting, unique, and positive. Be curious about them. Be consistent in building the relationship, and be clear about your standards. Doing these four things will quickly grab the attention of a quality person and quickly reveal who is not.
Happy texting! <3
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