If you've ever had a friend or family member say to you sarcastically, "You really know how to pick them...," then you know what it feels like to think that maybe there's something wrong with your choice in men.
You may have baffled yourself a few times saying, "What did I ever see in him?" We know that we certainly have and many of our clients report the same.
In many of our past relationships, we've felt like quite the masochist going back to and chasing after people and situations that were so painful, and in retrospect, never had the possibility of being as truly fulfilling as we wanted. Still, there seemed to be that pull toward that particular kind of person and time after time we thought we might never learn.
If you relate then you are probably asking yourself, "Why the hell do I go after these idiots?" You're a good person--kind, loving, generous. You deserve to have a good man in your life, so why does it seem that you're always attracting the bad ones?
Well, to be honest, it's not random, the people you meet. It's not an accident that you're attracted to the people you're attracted to. There are actually very specific reasons why one person catches your eye while another is completely overlooked.
There is an unconscious choosing taking place.
And if you're noticing destructive patterns in the people you end up with then there is something in your "choosing" that you need to look at.
In this post, we reveal the 3 reasons you are likely attracted to the wrong men and tell you exactly what you can do about it.
1. You're looking for the wrong things
Typically when someone tells you to picture your dream guy you think of tall, dark, and handsome, or your own version of that (whatever that might be). The point is that you have an idea of who this man is and a lot of it is based on looks.
This started when you were very young, when you were in grade school and boys first became interesting. You started developing a picture of what the kind of guy you wanted looked like. This was exacerbated in pop-culture and movies, and as you grew older and became interested in different trends, all of this came together to create an image of what you think the perfect man looks like.
But if you look back at your life and all of the crazy things that you've surely been into and how many times you've said to yourself, "I can't believe I was like that," you'll start to see how crazy it is to base your idea of the perfect man on that stuff.
This idea of the perfect guy that you have is not based on an objective view of what actually makes a great man and how to recognize that. It's more a collage of all the things you've found attractive in men throughout the course of your life. Sure, you've picked up some new ideas along the way and dropped some others but in general, this is the idea that you have about the kind of man you're looking for.
If you find that you're consistently meeting the wrong kind of men, it's because you picked up some bad ideas about what to look for and you never let them go. In fact, what's probably happening is that you're looking for the same guy who hurt you last time, just a version of him that won't hurt you.
You need to start looking for a totally different kind of man. Throw out the old image altogether and create a new one. The guy who looks like the one who let you down is probably a lot like him in other ways too.
Of course, you'll want him to be attractive and there's nothing wrong with that, but attractiveness can show up in many different ways. Don't start with looks--start with the qualities of the heart:
How will he treat you?
How does he treat other people?
What kinds of things does he say and do?
How does he make you important?
How do you know you matter when you're with him?
Know what you're looking for in him, know how to identify those things, and when you see it, you'll know.