If you've ever had a friend or family member say to you sarcastically, "You really know how to pick them...," then you know what it feels like to think that maybe there's something wrong with your choice in men.
You may have baffled yourself a few times saying, "What did I ever see in him?" We know that we certainly have and many of our clients report the same.
In many of our past relationships, we've felt like quite the masochist going back to and chasing after people and situations that were so painful, and in retrospect, never had the possibility of being as truly fulfilling as we wanted. Still, there seemed to be that pull toward that particular kind of person and time after time we thought we might never learn.
If you relate then you are probably asking yourself, "Why the hell do I go after these idiots?" You're a good person--kind, loving, generous. You deserve to have a good man in your life, so why does it seem that you're always attracting the bad ones?
Well, to be honest, it's not random, the people you meet. It's not an accident that you're attracted to the people you're attracted to. There are actually very specific reasons why one person catches your eye while another is completely overlooked.
There is an unconscious choosing taking place.
And if you're noticing destructive patterns in the people you end up with then there is something in your "choosing" that you need to look at.
In this post, we reveal the 3 reasons you are likely attracted to the wrong men and tell you exactly what you can do about it.
1. You're looking for the wrong things
Typically when someone tells you to picture your dream guy you think of tall, dark, and handsome, or your own version of that (whatever that might be). The point is that you have an idea of who this man is and a lot of it is based on looks.
This started when you were very young, when you were in grade school and boys first became interesting. You started developing a picture of what the kind of guy you wanted looked like. This was exacerbated in pop-culture and movies, and as you grew older and became interested in different trends, all of this came together to create an image of what you think the perfect man looks like.
But if you look back at your life and all of the crazy things that you've surely been into and how many times you've said to yourself, "I can't believe I was like that," you'll start to see how crazy it is to base your idea of the perfect man on that stuff.
This idea of the perfect guy that you have is not based on an objective view of what actually makes a great man and how to recognize that. It's more a collage of all the things you've found attractive in men throughout the course of your life. Sure, you've picked up some new ideas along the way and dropped some others but in general, this is the idea that you have about the kind of man you're looking for.
If you find that you're consistently meeting the wrong kind of men, it's because you picked up some bad ideas about what to look for and you never let them go. In fact, what's probably happening is that you're looking for the same guy who hurt you last time, just a version of him that won't hurt you.
You need to start looking for a totally different kind of man. Throw out the old image altogether and create a new one. The guy who looks like the one who let you down is probably a lot like him in other ways too.
Of course, you'll want him to be attractive and there's nothing wrong with that, but attractiveness can show up in many different ways. Don't start with looks--start with the qualities of the heart:
How will he treat you?
How does he treat other people?
What kinds of things does he say and do?
How does he make you important?
How do you know you matter when you're with him?
Know what you're looking for in him, know how to identify those things, and when you see it, you'll know.
2. You find the Love that you think you deserve
This may sound harsh, but if you have the courage to honestly look, you'll see that there is almost no extent that a person will not go to in order to prove their feelings of unworthiness to themselves and others.
When you find yourself consistently in unfulfilling relationships you must ask yourself this:
"What am I being so right about?"
What must you believe you are worth when you see the red flags and choose to ignore them? When you see a relationship heading in the same direction as a past one and you still go along with it anyway? How must you value yourself when you know that you don't want something and you settle for it anyway?
We're not asking these questions to be cruel, but for you to honestly consider them. We see so many people not asking too much from life, but asking too little--women resigning to the foolish assumption that there are no good men out there and using it as an excuse to justify spending their time with losers.
There are good men out there and they are looking for a woman who is worthy of their love. Go out and be that woman.
The suggestion made in number one above--identifying the qualities of the man you truly want--will only work if you believe you are worthy of those qualities. You have to value yourself enough to walk away from anyone who is not offering you those things. If you let your desire for company and attention, or your fear of being alone get in the way, you will inevitably find yourself in an old cycle again.
Value yourself enough to identify the qualities you truly want and without exception, only entertain people who demonstrate those qualities.
3. You get involved with married men or men in a committed relationship.
You may or may not have ever gone down this road personally but it is incredibly common. Consider a few things here:
1. If you're interested in a married/committed man, you are probably attracted to him because of old ideas about what is attractive that are not healthy.
2. If you're willing to put yourself in that position (which NEVER EVER ends well) then you are truly not valuing yourself.
So both points discussed earlier apply here.
Let's think about this:
If integrity is something that you consider important in a man (we think it's a must), then a man who is willing to break his commitment to his wife or girlfriend could not possibly be the kind of man you're looking for. Already he is demonstrating his lack of integrity.
This choice does make sense in a way, the idea that if someone else loves him then there must be something valuable about him. We do this with everything--if everyone is raving about a new restaurant or movie, we assume that it's good and want to go as well, but that rule does not apply here.
We often see women falling into the trap of how horrible this man's marriage is and how they never have sex or they don't even Love each other. We understand how real and painful these situations are (seriously, we work with them all the time) but there is no instance in which this is a good idea.
At best, they have a horrible relationship and he may authentically have feelings for you. But still, you are putting yourself in the middle of an unresolved situation that is going to explode and you will be caught in the middle of it.
At worst, he is a liar and a narcissist and is just using you for his own pleasure.
Even in the instance where he is a really good person who maybe needs a divorce or is unhappy in his relationship, you have to realize that he is trying to solve that by avoiding and escaping rather than facing his challenges head-on. That says a lot about the kind of man he is.
If he is not willing to honor his first commitment to his wife or girlfriend, why would he honor any commitment he makes to you?
Love and value yourself enough to have a hard rule about this. There is no instance in which this will end well and you will only hurt yourself and others.
Remember to be gentle with yourself. These kinds of challenges are extremely common. 90% of relationships are dysfunctional because frankly, most people just don't know what to do with them. Healing this stuff is not about judging yourself for it--it's about recognizing it and making better choices. It requires genuine work and commitment.
We have helped many people overcome these kinds of challenges and when you put in the effort, you succeed 100% of the time. If you'd like to explore working with us around challenges like these, click here to learn how we can do that.
Remember, you will seek out the Love that you feel you deserve. If you're finding yourself in destructive relationship patterns, you have to address the underlying thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and fears that are pulling you towards those people. Once you do that, you'll start to find entirely new kinds of men attractive.
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Lots of Love, and thanks for reading. <3
A Conscious approach to dating and relationships…
Like you, something about the idea of sharing our life with that someone special was particularly exciting to us, and after many years of working with individuals and couples alike, it's clear that we're not the only ones who have felt that way.
We've been through enough relationship challenges (our own and others') to know exactly how scary relationships can be, how difficult dating can be, and how let down you can be when, once again, you got excited about someone and it ended up going nowhere.
Yes, we've had these experiences and more--heartbreak, failure, disappointment, despair, we know how painful it can be watching everyone around you fall in Love and wondering if it's ever gonna happen for you, or how scary it can be to see someone you Love drifting away from you and feeling like there is nothing you can do to stop it.
The truth for us was that we had a lot of work to do to be able to have the kind of Love we have today. We did that work, learned exactly what it was all about, and now we help people like YOU do the work to create the Love that you've always dreamed about.
We create conscious, loving, and committed lifelong partnerships so you can experience the Love and Fulfillment that you've always dreamed of. We address the thoughts, beliefs, feelings, fears, strategies, and skills necessary to have the satisfaction and fulfillment you truly desire in a relationship.
The most fulfilling path is never the easiest, so if you're ready to really work and create the Love you truly desire, click here to begin.