Have you ever asked that question?
It's among the most common questions we receive. In almost every discussion, someone wants to know how to get back the person they are so in Love with who left them.
In many instances, people want to "get them back" at any cost. There is almost nothing someone who is lovesick over their ex will not do to convince them to give the relationship another chance.
We're sure you've seen it with others, maybe even with yourself, that when someone is trying to get their ex back, they often do things that destroy their confidence and self-esteem. You've maybe also noticed that it usually doesn't even work and sometimes even leads their ex to start playing games with them. Ultimately, it never ends up being the relationship they were hoping for.
This is particularly devastating because often all that happens is that you become more and more heartbroken as time goes by and it becomes even more difficult to get over them. While you're putting all your attention on them, they are putting their attention on others and when they finally decide to move on, you are destroyed by it.
If you're someone who wants your ex back or even someone who is considering getting back together with them, it is very important that you read this post. We are looking at all the reasons why you should, shouldn't, and what you have to do about it if you want them back.
#1 First, let's consider some common trends.
If you've ever known an on-again-off-again couple then you know that things are never really that good between them. Their relationship mostly consists of them breaking up and getting back together, which basically means all they do is fight and make up.
This is never a healthy dynamic. There is no Love in this.
This is two people getting high on the rush of losing each other and then wanting each other back. It's an emotional roller coaster in which they use each other's (and their own) suffering for entertainment. These are two people who have nothing better going on than to be obsessed with the absence and/or presence of the other.
These couples also never stay together in the long run.
This may or may not be your situation, but if you are wanting your ex back then you are at least half of this equation. You are being someone who has nothing better going on than to be obsessed with the presence and/or absence of another person. And you deserve better than that.
Usually, when we're wanting our exes back, it's not because it's truly the best thing. It's mostly because we have invested so much of our personal worth and value in this person that without them we feel like we have nothing, we feel like we are nothing. You may think that if they were to come back it would make everything better, and it might temporarily, but nothing has really been resolved.
You still feel worthless and you're still using their attention to overcompensate for that. You are completely at their mercy and they control your entire life.
Not only is this behavior incredibly self-destructive but it's also not attractive. Who wants a relationship with someone who feels like they're worthless?
Before you attempt to get your ex back, consider if you feel worthy without them and be honest with yourself about it. If you cannot honestly say that you feel worthy and valuable without that person, then you need to work on that before you attempt a new relationship with anyone.
#2 One relationship rule you should never ever break: Do Not Want Someone Who Doesn't Want You.
There are instances when two people Love each other deeply, they want the best for each other, and they're struggling with some things in the relationship. They break up, realize it was a huge mistake, resolve to work through the things that were driving them apart, and come together to move forward in their relationship.
When this happens it makes all the sense in the world for them to want to get back with each other. The key is this: they never stopped wanting each other.
If you're considering getting back together with your ex you have to honestly ask the question, "Do they want to be with me?" And if the answer is no, that should be all the answer you need.
When someone tells you they don't want to be with you, you have to be able to accept that. The way you do that is by Loving yourself more than you Love the other person.
You do it by knowing that you deserve someone who wants to be with you in a way that you don't have to question it.
Sometimes, they say something like, "You're the perfect person. I know I'm going to regret this but I just can't be with you. You're too good for me. I can't take it." And you'll try to convince them that they are good enough, that they do deserve you.
Honestly, f*** that.
What they're really saying is, "I see that you're a good person and on some level, I know that staying with you would be a good thing, but our relationship isn't important enough for me to want to do that. I'd rather be with someone else/doing something else."
You have to be able to cut through the BS and really hear what people are saying. Either they value the relationship you have and they want to work on it, or they don't. There's no in-between. When someone tries to tell you there is, they are either trying to soften the blow to be nice, or they are trying to manipulate you.
Making this one simple promise to yourself will protect your self-esteem, your dignity, and protect you from those who would try to take advantage of you:
"I am only interested in someone who is authentically interested in me. I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Period. No exceptions."
When you make this promise you go from, "Why don't they want to be with me?" to "I don't want to be with them." And that's you taking your power back.
#3 Trying to get someone to want you makes them not want to want you.
Let's talk for a moment about the laws of attraction.
People are attracted to people that are fun, happy, likable, talented, intelligent, interesting, mysterious, humorous, good-natured, and so on. People are attracted to people who bring something to the table, someone who they see and say my life will be better if this person is in it.
Nothing is less attractive to the person who is moving on from a relationship than the ex who is desperately trying to get them back. In fact, desperation in general is an incredibly unattractive quality.
The biggest problem we see for many people who want their ex back is simply the fact that their wanting of that person is driving that person further away. If they were able to move on and put their attention on other things, their ex might see that and start thinking they made a mistake.
Your ex will never come back because you beg them to or tell them how much you want them. If you wanting them was enough, they wouldn't have left in the first place. What may make them want you back is moving on with your life and being so awesome that they see you and think they made a mistake.
The advice we always give to someone going through a breakup is this:
Focus on yourself.
Discover what truly brings you joy and makes you happy apart from that person and go do that. Do it as big and as fully as you possibly can. Instead of looking to them to complete you, look toward ways that you can complete yourself.
When people do this, what they usually find is that their ex does want them back but by the time their ex comes around, they've done enough work to realize that their ex doesn't deserve them. Often they realize that they actually had their sights set too low the entire time.
Usually what we find in a breakup is that the person who was most hurt by it was the person who deserved so much better all along. If you can put some space between you and your ex and learn to discover yourself in the meantime, you will likely realize the same.
If you want your ex back, the best thing you can do is put all your effort into finding happiness without them. Accept that they're gone and create a life for yourself that doesn't have them in it. When they see that you've moved on and have found your own happiness without them, they'll probably be open to another opportunity.
Either way, you will have found happiness, owned your power, and become stronger through this breakup rather than weaker because of it.
Rather than giving all of your power to them and being crushed by the feeling of being rejected by the person you Love, you will come to recognize your own worthiness and be closer to the Love you deserve whether it's with them or someone else.
If you're going through a breakup, please know that we understand. There are few things in life that are more painful. Please take this as a gentle reminder that you are worthy, that you have everything it takes to get through this, and that you deserve so much better than to pine after someone who has decided to move on.
If you're hurting right now and would like to work with a coach as you heal, click here to schedule a complimentary interview to see how we can help.
We wish you all the best as you move on.
Lots of Love.
Thanks for reading <3
Thank you so much for enjoying our content! Our greatest joy comes from knowing that people like you are using it to transform their lives and relationships and that the world is becoming a better place because of it.
We know the feeling of being alone, of struggling through what seems like an endless series of dead-end relationships, of waiting for the phone to ring, of being rejected and let down again.
We know what it's like to go to bed alone each night wondering if that will ever change and fearing that it might not.
We know these experiences all too well and that is why we do the work we do. We want you to know that you can find Love, that just the application of these simple tools and practices can make a complete difference in every aspect of your Love life and ultimately lead you to the lifetime partnership you so deeply crave.
You're not in this alone. We're here for you <3
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