Some of the most insane things imaginable are done in the name of Love.
You know as well as we do that people "in Love" are sometimes crazy. The things we do because we Love someone have almost no boundaries. We even hurt the people we Love claiming we do it because we Love them.
You know this doesn't make sense but for some reason, you still accept it as "the way it is":
When people Love each other, they fight. It's just the way it is.
When people Love each other, they say mean things to each other. It's just the way it is.
When people Love each other, they disregard each other's feelings, they blame and criticize each other. It's just the way it is.
And if you Love someone, you put up with all of that because you should never walk out on someone you Love--what kind of person would do that?
If you Love someone, you should sacrifice your happiness for them because Love is sacrifice. And who are you to stand up for yourself?
Who are you to require that someone treat you a certain way and speak to you a certain way if they want a relationship? If you do that you'll drive people away and end up alone, so you should really be realistic and not ask too much of someone.
If you're human you've heard all this bunk and to some degree (some more than others) you've lived it.
We've been doing this work long enough to know that while most relationships are a battlefield, they don't have to be that way. We know that fighting is not a necessary part of Love. In fact, in a truly Loving relationship, kindness is most important and fighting rarely happens, if ever. We've been blessed enough to create that in our relationship and to witness it in many of our friends and clients.
We know that there is a greater possibility of Love than most people will allow themselves to imagine. We see it every day. And we know from our coaching that for most people, it begins with knowing what Love is not.
In this post, we want to talk about the things that Love is not so that you can easily identify what is not Love when you see it. Only when you no longer tolerate unloving behavior in any way do you really have the chance to become truly happy in a relationship. Here we're going to look at some of the most common unloving behaviors so you can begin to see them for what they truly are.
They make you overwork, retaliate, and compete for their Love.
It is very sad to see how often people deny giving the most basic aspects of a Loving relationship to each other. We have said many times that you are usually not asking too much from someone--you're asking too little.
We go through insane games in our relationships just because we are attempting to be heard and recognized. We want to be seen by our partner. We want them to listen to us and pay attention to us. We want them to care about what we are saying and offer valuable feedback about it.
We want to feel important to them. That is a very reasonable request.
Often one partner withholds attention and affection forcing the other to try and work harder for it, and this begins the common power struggle in most relationships. Some people even pride themselves on the fact that they force their partners to overwork for their attention.
The other partner then retaliates against this, trying to hurt their partner to tip the balance of power back in their favor. This creates a self-perpetuating cycle of competition in the relationship, continuing on for any length of time, sometimes years, but it always ends the same--one or both partners feel defeated, resentful, and hurt.
Not only do you lose your hope in the relationship, but you lose your faith in Love as a whole and you assume that all relationships are like this.
Someone who Loves you doesn't force you to work unnecessarily for their Love. They'll want you to make an effort but they don't want to defeat you. Someone who Loves you wants you to feel safe and secure, they want you to know that you are important. They want you to know that you are Loved and when you aren't feeling it, they make the extra effort to show you that you are.
When someone wants to make you work too hard, the proper response is not to gain the upper hand by working harder or attempting to tear them down. The proper response is to simply ask for what you want and see if they care to give it to you. If they don't, if they continue to withhold attention, affection, kindness, they don't get to have the relationship with you. It's really that simple.
A Loving relationship is not a game that you win. It's a par