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Sex really isn't so special... A few important insights on sex and dating




This morning, I was reflecting on a past relationship.


It was a relationship that was mostly unrequited. Still, I couldn't help the feeling that we had something special.


You know the feeling, I'm sure:


Someone does nearly everything possible to show you how little you really matter to them in the grand scheme of things but you still seem to believe that there is something "special" between you;


That what you have is "meant to be" in some way;


That it's worth holding onto and working for;


That it's worth saving.



When I think back on this particular relationship, I see that I made a lot of mistakes. I don't regret them because they became lessons and helped me grow, but by looking at the mistakes I made then and what I learned from them, I can hopefully save you some unnecessary pain.



One of the most profound lessons I learned from that relationship was that mixed signals mean "not interested." That no matter how I felt about someone or how special I thought they were, if they weren't treating me the way I wanted to be treated, there was nothing meant to be between us.


Something I noticed in my reflections about this was that I thought we had something special mostly because of the sexual nature of our relationship. If not for that, I wouldn't have felt the same way.


I felt it was something special because to me it was. When I chose to go there with someone, that meant something to me. I had to recognize that it was not how it was for her.


She liked me just fine, she enjoyed our time together, and she wasn't a bad person, but there was nothing inherently "special" about what we had. That was something she was sharing with many different people.


So when I say there's nothing special about sex, I don't mean that it can't be incredibly powerful in the right situation with the right person. I'm simply saying that sex alone means nothing as the basis for a relationship.


In this post, we're going to talk about some of the biggest mistakes that are made around sex and dating and how you can avoid making them yourself so you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache.



For starters, sex does not equal intimacy.


I'm sure you've heard this idea before but still, I don't think we recognize how often we make this mistake in dating or how much of our feelings for someone early on are usually sexually driven.


When you have a strong attraction to someone, you want to be as close to them as you can and the fastest way to get close to someone is through sex.


When you sleep with someone you alter the entire nature of the relationship. No matter what you do from that point forward, you can't undo that. And that changes the way that both of you see and feel about the relationship.


In dating, sex is often used as a shortcut. If you want a relationship with someone, one of the ways you can achieve that is to have it become sexual. You create that sexual bond between you.


In truth, this is more of a detour than a shortcut because it doesn't really get you anywhere. It only seems like it does. In a very short amount of time, you have incredible feelings and desires for this person and if you're lucky, they have them for you too.