Should You Go Back To Your Ex?

One of the most common questions we see come up around relationships is, "How do I get my Ex back?"

We find this to be an incredibly disempowering question, the underlying assumption being that you have to make someone who doesn't want you, want you. You don't have to be a relationship expert to see how that will destroy your confidence and self-esteem. In many cases, if not most, you can get your ex back if you really want to, but we're suggesting you ask a better question...

Should I get back together with my Ex?

This question is empowering in that it implies that you do have an option, which places you in a position of choice and that is a powerful place to be.

From this position, you also recognize that you actually don't have to want them back, and this gives you power as well. Rather than being caught in a cycle of wanting someone you can't have and giving them this power over you, you are recognizing the power that you do have in the situation and considering how you can best use it.

We understand that when you are experiencing heavy emotions around a breakup, this is much easier said than done so be gentle with yourself. Still, the principles are the same regardless of the emotions involved and if you can understand that you are not powerless over the situation, you will be able to heal much faster and better determine the right thing to do.

This post is designed to tell you a few things:

  1. How to honestly determine if you should even want your Ex back.

  2. How to know if that's really an option.

  3. If you decide that you do want to get back together, what you should do about it.

So how do you know that you even should get back together?

Most people, in any experience of loss, will naturally cling to the thing they lost thinking that having it back will relieve their pain. And it may in the short term.

As most people who have gotten back together with their Exes will report (and we know this because we talk to them all of the time), there is a period of euphoria followed by a cropping up of all the same issues that led to their breakup in the first place which then usually leads to the relationship falling apart again on even worse terms than before.

Nothing positive can ever come from getting back with an Ex until the reasons that you broke up in the first place have been properly addressed.

Healthy couples don't break up, ever. If you broke up, there are underlying issues that must be addressed before the relationship can ever work.

In determining if you should give the relationship another chance, you have to get clear about the true causes of the breakup and honestly determine what would need to happen in order for the relationship to succeed.

Note: The real reasons for the breakup probably have nothing to do with what you were fighting about when it happened.

If you are an insightful person you may be able to identify some of the reasons why it all worked out this way. Depending on how long you've been together, the causes could go back years. Usually, it's best to work with someone who has some experience with these things in determining if it can work--it will usually save you a lot of heartache.

There are as many possible reasons as there are potential couples so we couldn't tell you what the reasons are without looking at your situation personally. What we can say is this:

You have to get clear about what you really want in your life, regardless of that person.

You have to be honest with yourself whether or not that person can truly give you that.

You have to determine if you're both willing to do the necessary work. Often one or both people simply are not.

If you delude yourself on any of these points, whether you "get them back" or not, you will ultimately overlook the most essential aspects of the situation and likely end up in the same position again, with this person or with someone else. If you'd like our support to get clarity in your situation, click here.

Is getting back together even really an option?