One of the most common questions we see come up around relationships is, "How do I get my Ex back?"
We find this to be an incredibly disempowering question, the underlying assumption being that you have to make someone who doesn't want you, want you. You don't have to be a relationship expert to see how that will destroy your confidence and self-esteem. In many cases, if not most, you can get your ex back if you really want to, but we're suggesting you ask a better question...
Should I get back together with my Ex?
This question is empowering in that it implies that you do have an option, which places you in a position of choice and that is a powerful place to be.
From this position, you also recognize that you actually don't have to want them back, and this gives you power as well. Rather than being caught in a cycle of wanting someone you can't have and giving them this power over you, you are recognizing the power that you do have in the situation and considering how you can best use it.
We understand that when you are experiencing heavy emotions around a breakup, this is much easier said than done so be gentle with yourself. Still, the principles are the same regardless of the emotions involved and if you can understand that you are not powerless over the situation, you will be able to heal much faster and better determine the right thing to do.
This post is designed to tell you a few things:
How to honestly determine if you should even want your Ex back.
How to know if that's really an option.
If you decide that you do want to get back together, what you should do about it.
So how do you know that you even should get back together?
Most people, in any experience of loss, will naturally cling to the thing they lost thinking that having it back will relieve their pain. And it may in the short term.
As most people who have gotten back together with their Exes will report (and we know this because we talk to them all of the time), there is a period of euphoria followed by a cropping up of all the same issues that led to their breakup in the first place which then usually leads to the relationship falling apart again on even worse terms than before.
Nothing positive can ever come from getting back with an Ex until the reasons that you broke up in the first place have been properly addressed.
Healthy couples don't break up, ever. If you broke up, there are underlying issues that must be addressed before the relationship can ever work.
In determining if you should give the relationship another chance, you have to get clear about the true causes of the breakup and honestly determine what would need to happen in order for the relationship to succeed.
Note: The real reasons for the breakup probably have nothing to do with what you were fighting about when it happened.
If you are an insightful person you may be able to identify some of the reasons why it all worked out this way. Depending on how long you've been together, the causes could go back years. Usually, it's best to work with someone who has some experience with these things in determining if it can work--it will usually save you a lot of heartache.
There are as many possible reasons as there are potential couples so we couldn't tell you what the reasons are without looking at your situation personally. What we can say is this:
You have to get clear about what you really want in your life, regardless of that person.
You have to be honest with yourself whether or not that person can truly give you that.
You have to determine if you're both willing to do the necessary work. Often one or both people simply are not.
If you delude yourself on any of these points, whether you "get them back" or not, you will ultimately overlook the most essential aspects of the situation and likely end up in the same position again, with this person or with someone else. If you'd like our support to get clarity in your situation, click here.
Is getting back together even really an option?
In many cases it is, and in some cases, it's not. Obvious clues that there is an opening would be if they are finding excuses to speak with you or if you hear from other people that they are talking about you. That shows that you are obviously on their mind and that they haven't entirely moved on.
When someone is really done they will be clear about it. They will not want to speak and will be reluctant to even open that door at all. They will do everything in their power to let you know that they are not interested, they do not want you to think that they might still be.
Most people are not completely done in that way. Most people leave the door open at least a little.
The worst thing you can ever do in a breakup is to plead or beg for them to take you back. That is a sure way to dissolve any lingering attraction they might have for you. To even have the opening for you to get back together, you have to be ok with moving on and be able to do so with your dignity intact.
If they ended it with you, you have to give them space and wait for them to call. They have made it clear that they don't want to see you. To try and push that on them will only push them farther away.
Use this time to do the work we suggested in the beginning and get honest with yourself about what you'll do when they do call. Is this honestly the relationship that you want to have, or is it just the relationship that is convenient?
If you have the courage to really do this work, you will often find that you actually want to move on yourself--that you were just confusing the pain of loss with a desire for the relationship.
If the door is open for you to get back together, they will call. If they don't call, it's not open. PERIOD. As we said earlier, pushing them on this will push them away. Let them experience what they lost, let them experience if they really want a life without you in it.
Allow them to come to that conclusion on their own. When you don't, you destroy your own self-esteem and in the worst cases set yourself up to be manipulated by them.
You've determined it's a real option... Now how do you get them back?
There are many strategies people will suggest on this. The one we are suggesting here is the most empowering and the most authentic. You may be tempted to try a more manipulative or sneaky approach but let us remind you--that's what makes relationships fail in the first place.
If you want it to work, it has to be authentic and there's no better time to start with that than now.
IF you've honestly done the personal work, decided that this relationship really is a good thing, that it's worth investing in and you think that they feel the same way, AND you've given them time to consider their feelings and they've called you, this is what you do:
Say to them:
"I've been thinking, we had something really great and I know we have some work to do, but I think our relationship is worth it and I'm willing to do that work if you are."
Don't beg, don't plead, and be clear that if they are committed to moving on, you will do the same. If they ended it, you have to let them decide that they want it again--you can't do anything to make them want it.
Don't fall into a trap of trying to be "friends"--it never works. Don't attempt to manipulate them through sex thinking it will become more--it won't.
You have to both decide for yourselves that what you have together is worth putting the work in to have it become something great. Until you both come to that conclusion and actually do the work together, no matter what circles you run in, you'll repeat the same cycles getting more painful every time around.
There is probably no situation more confusing in terms of wild emotions and unstable thoughts than a challenging breakup. Our #1 recommendation for a breakup is finding healthy support--a coach, therapist, trusted friend, or family member, someone who knows how to give you positive and useful insight into the situation.
If you'd like to speak with us about your situation and see how we can help, click here to schedule a call.
No matter what you experience during a breakup, remember that you are strong enough to overcome it. Be willing to learn and grow from it, but trust that everything happens for a reason--that if this relationship is not meant to be, something much better is on the way.
Lots of Love <3
A Conscious approach to dating and relationships…
Like you, the idea of sharing our life with that special someone was particularly exciting to us, and after many years of working with individuals and couples alike, it's clear that we're not the only ones who feel that way.
We've been through enough relationship challenges (our own and others') to know exactly how scary relationships can be, how difficult dating can be, and how let-down you feel when (once again) you get excited about someone and it ends up going nowhere.
Yes, we've had these experiences and more--heartbreak, failure, disappointment, despair.
We know how painful it can be to watch everyone around you fall in Love and wonder if it's ever going to happen for you. Or, how scary it can be to see someone you Love drift away from you and feel like there is nothing you can do to stop it.
The truth is that we had a lot of work to do to be able to have the kind of Love we have today. We did that work, learned exactly what it was all about, and now we help people like YOU do the work to create the Love that you're looking for.
We help you create conscious, loving, and committed lifelong partnerships so you can experience the Love and Fulfillment that you've always dreamed of.
We first address your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, fears to make sure you're ready for Love. Then we give you the strategies and skills necessary to have the satisfaction and fulfillment you truly desire in a relationship.
The most fulfilling path is never the easiest but always the most rewarding. If you're ready to work and create the Love you truly desire, click here to begin.