Let's begin by saying that we have no personal judgement on whatever decision you make and we are not making a statement about what is right or wrong in the situation. If you are just looking to have a good time with someone with no particular desire for any specific outcome, then there is really nothing that can go wrong, as long as you're safe and responsible.
But we think that most people are looking for more than just a good time, that most people, when they're really honest with themselves, want to have real and meaningful Love--something you don't have with someone that you're just getting to know. Entering into a sexual relationship with someone you're just getting to know, in most cases, will actually get in the way, or at least slow down, the process of true connection with that person.
Sleeping with someone early on has no relationship to whether your relationship will with them will actually work out, but it will often prevent you from seeing clearly if this person is even someone you can find True Love with.
First I'm going to speak with the ladies because honestly, this issue applies more to you than it does to the men.
When you sleep with a man on the first date you do 3 things:
1. You lose your ability to see if he's willing to wait.
This is a really important point. Most men will be open to sleeping with you on the first date (although if you meet someone who isn't, that means that his principles are more important to him than his desires and that is a great quality in a man). A man that is willing to wait for sex and continue seeing you shows you that he is more interested in a relationship with you than he is in just trying to "get some". We suggest waiting until at least the 3rd or 4th date as someone who is just looking for sex will usually not wait that long.
Note: Don't tell him you're waiting until the 4th date. If it comes up, tell him you'll let him know when you're ready. You want to find out if he's dating to get to know you or to get laid.
If you sleep with him on the first date, you'll never know if he would have been willing to wait and that is one way you can learn so much about him early on in the relationship.
2. He may not take you seriously if you do.
This doesn't apply to all men, but it absolutely applies to a lot of them.
There are men who like things the easy way, but there are also men that understand that the good things in life are worth working for. Those men want you to know that you are worth having and therefore will make them work for it. Real men don't want you to be easy, they want a woman that knows her worth and who's not going to sleep with just anyone. When you do decide to have sex with him, he feels like it's an honor because not everybody gets to do that. You want to be with someone who feels that way about you.
Sometimes we think that unless we sleep with someone they won't want to see us again, and that goes for men and women. There is something very important to understand here: a person who wants to see you again will want to see you again. A person who doesn't, won't. The only way that sleeping with someone early on could change that is that you might become a booty call, meaning you have a physical relationship, but not an emotional one.
Whether you sleep with someone or not has nothing to do with if you'll fall in Love. There is absolutely no relationship between the two. Zero.
3. When you sleep with someone you are no longer unbiased about them.
Sex creates emotion. There are some people that are so disconnected that they ignore the fact that the emotion is there, but that doesn't change it. It's the way a human being operates. This is in our DNA; the survival of our species depends on it. When you connect with someone on that level, you develop feelings for them. This is a problem when you don't know someone well enough to know if they are someone you want to start developing feelings for.
We often see people trying to make a relationship work because they are sleeping with someone rather than sleeping with someone because they have a relationship that's working.
Especially on your first few dates with someone, you want to be deciding if they are someone you want to continue seeing. Of course you'll be intimate with them if you begin dating seriously, but don't start there. Use your unbiased perspective to honestly determine if they are the kind of person you want to be with.
We said to wait at least 3 or 4 dates, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't wait longer. Our real advice here is to be true to yourself. Don't do anything that compromises your integrity or your values. There is nothing wrong with choosing to be intimate with someone that you are interested in and that is interested in you.
We certainly don't think it's necessary to wait an extremely long amount of time, but be certain that sex is part of a relationship that you are building together. Don't allow anyone to just use you for your body.
Now a message to the men...
And honestly we give you all the same advice that we gave to women plus one piece:
Consider this question to be as important as most women consider it to be.
The biggest challenge we find that men have in this area, culturally speaking not to offend any specific man, is that men don't consider the actual weight that having a sexual relationship with someone carries. We act like it's no big deal--we don't realize what we are creating when we do. Men are often disconnected from how we hurt the women that we have these relationships with.
Because men tend to be more driven toward sexual relationships, they will often have the primary motivation to have a sexual relationship and the secondary motivation to have an authentic relationship. What happens then is we open doors with women that we shouldn't have and then either close the door abruptly--disregarding her feelings about it--or drag it out trying to be nice, and hurting her more in the long run.
Stop being so easy; it's not endearing and being a player is not cool.
The same rule applies to men and women:
A person who has respect and dignity for themselves and other people is not going to sleep with just anyone, nor will they pressure someone into something that they are uncomfortable with for their own satisfaction.
And please understand that while we are speaking in cultural norms, all of the advise applies to both men and women. If it's helpful, use it.
Thanks for reading <3
Love is worth having. So if you don't have it, why not?
We are not gurus. We have nothing that everyone else doesn't have and no secret tricks that will magically solve your love life. All we've done is learn to navigate the wild waters of relationships in a way that led us to find and create the love we've always wanted.
And we're still working on it Every. Single. Day.
The way that we, as a culture, have learned to do relationships is not the way to find True Love. Most of us have a lot of relationship-bad-habits and it's time to unlearn them. When you do, you'll find that the love you are looking for is well within your reach.
We've found a new kind of relationship, a departure from the modern dating drama and toxicity that so many people have come to accept as normal. And our methods have helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate these challenging waters themselves to find the love they're looking for.
To find out how you can work with us to create the relationship that most people only ever dream about, click here. And if you found this post helpful, please share it with someone that you know can benefit from it!