All successful relationships have one thing in common that those who are suffering in a relationship or struggling to find love are usually missing completely.
This one mistake is the biggest thing that we see preventing people from finding True Love and even when you do meet someone, this one thing usually causes you to sabotage the relationship.
It is completely normal to make this mistake as, for most people, it is the most natural thing to do. But even though it is extremely common and natural, it will push people away from you every time. Unless you identify how you're doing this, you will never really understand why it keeps happening.
In this post, we're going to identify what this mistake is, how most people are making it, and how you can stop making it for good.
To put it in a single word, the mistake is scarcity:
"There aren't any good people out there."
"All of the good ones are taken."
"Even when I meet someone I get my heart broken. So what's the use?"
Time and time again we hear it from our single clients and see it all over the posts on social media--the idea that the "right one" is not out there or that finding them is too hard. There is really nothing more devastating to your hope of meeting the right person than this scarcity mentality. What's worse is that it simply isn't true.
It is an absolutely false idea that there are no good people out there, or that all the good ones are taken. If you are experiencing difficulty in meeting them, that doesn't mean that they don't exist. It means you need new dating strategies.
Usually, within weeks of working with us, our clients are meeting lots of great new people.
You have to come to understand that there are a ton of people out there, not just one "right person" that you have to find. There are thousands of people that you could have an amazing relationship with. All you have to do is learn how to get to know them and how to be with them. (For more info on this you can check out our video on how to date)
You only find True Love when you become skilled at dating and skilled at being in a relationship.
A scarcity mindset creates a huge obstacle to dating and will eventually destroy relationships. If you date with a scarcity mindset, when you meet someone, you will bring scarcity into that relationship.
When your mode of thinking is that there are no good people and then you happen to meet "a good one," you start to behave as though they are the only good person in the world--like this one has to work, or else. This leads to an enormous amount of insecurity, fear, doubt, clingy-ness and so on.
You start to say things to yourself like: "If this doesn't work out it could be years before I meet someone else," or "I've wasted so many years already, I don't have any more time."
You can never be in a successful relationship feeling as though it has to work out. That is too much pressure to put on a relationship and it cannot grow in that environment. You have to give the other person the freedom to choose to be there. They are there because they want to be, and if they want to leave that is also OK.
Whether they recognize it or not, all successful couples have created this sense of freedom for each other--and of their free choice, they have chosen the relationship.
When you don't create this freedom you experience jealousy and competition. You start trying to do or say the right thing all the time and you can't be yourself. You wonder about where they are, what they're doing, and who they're with. You start wanting to control them and put limitations on what they can and can't do. You become fearful of big changes in their life, like a new opportunity or a promotion at work, and that these changes might take them away from you.
In this dynamic you actually try to keep things small and restrictive. You want to keep everything where it is--safe, comfortable, predictable. There are many couples who carry on for years in this way, and though they struggle through it to make it work, they never truly feel fulfilled. Restrictiveness is actually the opposite of fulfillment.
People are only truly in Love when they feel free to fly and their relationship helps them to fly higher, rather than pulling them down.
Even if you are careful to never let your partner see it, if this is your honest internal experience, you have to find a way to be open or over time it will wear away at your own confidence and freedom in the relationship. It will surface in sneaky ways that hurt you both. You can't fake it; you have to truly allow them to be free and feel the same freedom from them for yourself.
The ironic law of dating and relationships is:
The more you love someone and the more you hope that it will work with them, the more you have to be open to letting them go.
This doesn't mean that you don't work for the relationship or put real effort into it and it doesn't mean that you're not committed to it.
This is actually the highest level of commitment: I am here, committed to this relationship, willing to do whatever it takes, but only if you also choose to be here in the same way.
Now, how do you do this?
First, you have to cultivate a sense of inner confidence that you won't find in a relationship. The only place it can be found is within yourself. This is a major aspect that we work on with our clients. In fact, if someone hasn't established this, it's the first thing we work on.
Something I often say to my clients is that to have an amazing relationship you have to be willing to be alone before you settle for anything less than you truly want. You have to be OK being by yourself. This is the only way you will not compromise what you really value in a relationship and the only way you'll be able to honestly ask a potential partner for what you really want.
You have to become so grounded in who you are and what you offer to a relationship that you know that if they choose not to be with you, you can easily find someone who will. While it will hurt to lose a relationship with someone you loved, it will not break you. You cannot be broken by anyone because they didn't make you--you have made yourself.
You have to really get it, as we said earlier, that there are thousands of possibilities out there, and that you are completely capable of creating the Love you're looking for with someone, even if it's not that one. You must also become skilled at dating and getting to know new people. That will help to reassure you that there are many opportunities for you, not just the one you are currently exploring.
We will sum up this process in 4 simple steps:
1. Fall in Love with yourself. Not in a cliche sort of way, but really become someone you can respect and appreciate. When you do, others will respect and appreciate you.
2. Learn to date and get to know people. Learn to make it easy and fun, and do it in a way that ensures you are meeting the kind of people that you actually want to meet.
3. When you get into a relationship, give it everything you have--I mean 100%--and keep doing it as long as the other person is doing the same. If at any point they choose something else, you let them go and repeat the process.
4. No matter what happens, never lose hope. Re-build your confidence and stay focused on the kind of Love you truly want.
These are not easy instructions to follow (believe me, we understand) but continue to practice them and you'll find that this is a path to True Love, guaranteed!
Thanks for reading <3
Love is worth having. So if you don't have it, why not?
We are not gurus. We have nothing that everyone else doesn't have and no secret tricks that will magically solve your love life. All we've done is learn to navigate the wild waters of relationships in a way that led us to find and create the love we've always wanted.
And we're still working on it Every. Single. Day.
The way that we, as a culture, have learned to do relationships is not the way to find True Love. Most of us have a lot of relationship-bad-habits and it's time to unlearn them. When you do, you'll find that the love you are looking for is well within your reach.
We've found a new kind of relationship, a departure from the modern dating drama and toxicity that so many people have come to accept as normal. And our methods have helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate these challenging waters themselves to find the love they're looking for.
To find out how you can work with us to create the relationship that most people only ever dream about, click here. And if you found this post helpful, please share it with someone that you know can benefit from it!