Ever been in a relationship like this?
You know, one that's not really a relationship.
If you have then you know it's not an easy position to be in, especially if you're the one who wants it to be a real relationship. You're together in every way that a couple is but when someone asks him or her if they're single, they answer "Yes."
When you're alone together it's like you're the only people in the world, but when other people are around you don't feel so important anymore.
When you're apart it's probably tough to get in touch with them or get a clear answer about when you can expect to see them again.
You might think that you're happy with this person but you also realize that this relationship stresses you out a lot more than it does them. And when you think about it, that's especially frustrating for you.
Here's the reason this relationship stresses you out so much: Vague commitments cause suffering. It's really that simple. It's incredibly difficult when you want a relationship with someone and you don't know where you stand with them and they won't tell you. Whether they're doing it on purpose or not, keeping someone in a relationship without giving them clarity is manipulative and hurtful.
These kinds of relationships are so normalized, they are literally the most common complaint we hear from people who come to us. But in truth, this is a relationship that nobody should ever waste a second thought on.
There are a few ideas we share with our clients when it comes to these kinds of relationships--a few things that everyone should know about situations like this--and that's what we want to share in this post.
Here are a few essential insights about non-committal relationships that will prevent you from ever being hurt like this again.
First, let's define a romantic relationship.
One of the biggest traps that you can fall into in a situation like this is not recognizing it for what it is. Somehow we think that if we don't call it a relationship, that prevents it from being one.
That's why it's important to know how to clearly define a romantic involvement, it removes a lot of the mystery. We define it very simply with 3 criteria:
Feelings of Love or strong emotion (from either person)
Any relationship that contains all three of these aspects is a romantic involvement, even if it's not a committed relationship.
Once there is an emotional connection on one or both sides, along with a sexual relationship, and this is happening on an ongoing basis, you are in a relationship with that person, like it or not.
We only try to avoid calling it what it is when we don't want to have to own up to the accountability that comes with it. If someone doesn't want to be accountable to you, they don't really care about you or about having a relationship with you.
That can be a tough pill to swallow but if you're in a relationship like this, on some level you know that it's true and you're afraid to face up to it (and please understand we've been there too and know the feeling well). You think that if you hang on long enough, they might change their mind and decide to give you what you want, but they won't. Non-committal people are just that--non-committal people.
If you're in a relationship with someone that fits these criteria and they are unwilling to acknowledge it for what it is, they are trying to receive the benefits of a relationship without having to invest in it. They want to have their cake and eat it too, so to speak. This is not an equal partnership and you will always feel undervalued by this person.
So why is commitment so important?
Commitment = importance, quite literally. It is what we give to people and things that are important to us, it's as simple as that. A Loving parent gets up in the middle of the night to care for their crying child, why? Because that child is important to them. They are willing to make the commitment to care for the child because it's important to them.
If you love your work and care about your career, you show up on time, put in overtime, and do your very best on your projects. It's important to you and therefore deserves your commitment.
Why would the same rules not apply in a relationship? When you're important to someone, they offer you their commitment. From the beginning they text and call you, they reply to your texts and calls, they are consistent. They don't call only when they want something from you, they call just to call and they're there for you when you need something.
Love looks a certain way, it's not mysterious. If you have to wonder if you're important to them, it means that you're not.
Commitment is important because it's how someone shows you respect. It's how they demonstrate that you are worth it to them. When you allow a non-committal relationship to continue on, not only are you allowing someone to disrespect you, but you are disrespecting and devaluing yourself.
Looking to a non-committal person for Love not only means you're looking somewhere that you'll never find it, but it will also destroy your self-worth, your confidence, and your belief that Love is even real. When the relationship finally ends, you won't be any closer to Love but much farther away.
This is why in our programs, we have zero tolerance for relationships like that. It's not a judgment, it's because we've seen too many people's confidence and self-worth be destroyed by them. Worthy people expect other people to treat them accordingly.
What do you do about a situation like this?
Most people think that commitment is something that comes along down the road in a relationship, but that's incorrect. In a conscious relationship, commitment is 100% from day one. The key is that the necessary level of commitment changes and you have to know what level of commitment to expect every step of the way.
For example, from the first text message, they should respond. From the very beginning someone who is interested in getting to know you will be consistent. They will respond to calls and messages, they will make plans to see you in advance, and they won't cancel last minute.
People who try to "make you sweat" waiting for a response, or keep you waiting around to see them wondering if they're going to call, are not serious about you or a relationship.
Why do people play games? Because other people allow them to.
People who do these things sometimes make you want to try harder to get their attention, but that is the wrong response. These are the early signs of a non-committal person. The proper response is to walk away.
When someone tells you early on something like, "I'm not looking for anything serious, I just want to get to know people and see where it goes," don't tell them that you're looking for the same thing when you're really not.
Instead say, "Oh well that's too bad because I am looking for something serious, but good luck with that," and stop talking to them.
When you know what you're looking for it becomes very easy to identify when it's not present. This is what it means to create a conscious relationship. It's not an anything-goes situation. This is having a clear awareness of the qualities of the relationship that you're looking for and the courage to move on when it's not present.
When you know that you want a committed person, you look for commitment in a person and are only interested in that person when you see it there.
The game then changes from trying to find someone to Love you to creating a conscious Love with another conscious person. And we promise it's way more fun that way.
Creating a conscious relationship is a process of immense clarity, confidence, and power. It is knowing what you want and looking for only that. It is asking for what you want and expecting someone to give that to you. It is standing for what you want in the face of rejection, judgment, and loneliness. It is trusting yourself and your heart over other people's opinions.
This is a path available to everyone, but most people don't choose it. Most people choose their comfort, their desire for affection and approval, and their fear of loneliness instead. Most people know when a situation isn't right but don't have the courage to do anything about it so they allow it to continue way longer than it should.
In our Epic Love programs, we focus on cultivating the Clarity, Confidence, and Power to stand for the Love that you truly desire, the kind that most people have stopped believing in, or have given up on altogether.
This is not a journey that's meant to be taken alone, and that's what we offer. We offer the experience, insight, and inspiration to make sure that you arrive where you truly want to be and we're on your team every step of the way. If you'd like that level of commitment on your side as you write your Epic Love story, click here to schedule your introductory call.
May you only ever settle for the Love you truly deserve. Thanks for reading <3
Thank you so much for enjoying our content! Our greatest joy comes from knowing that people like you are using it to transform their lives and relationships and that the world is becoming a better place because of it.
We know the feeling of being alone, of struggling through what seems like an endless series of dead-end relationships, of waiting for the phone to ring, of being rejected and let down again.
We know what it's like to go to bed alone each night wondering if that will ever change and fearing that it might not.
We know these experiences all too well and that is why we do the work we do. We want you to know that you can find Love, that just the application of these simple tools and practices can make a complete difference in every aspect of your Love life and ultimately lead you to the lifetime partnership you so deeply crave.
You're not in this alone. We're here for you <3
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