We often hear from our clients: "I'm seeing this guy (or girl), and everything's great when we're together, but when we're not, they don't text, they don't call, and I can't get a clear answer about 'what we are'."
Has this ever happened to you? We see it all the time. Someone wants you to be available for a good time or to keep them company, but when it comes to really giving you what you're looking for in a relationship, they're not so quick to jump on board.
This can be incredibly painful, especially when you really like someone. Every time you're together they fill you with the hope of what a relationship could be like, just to have it taken away the next day when they go dark or become distant.
So what should you do in this situation? It's easy to say let them go, but not so easy to follow through with it once they do call and it fills you with excitement.
It this post, we're going to tell you exactly how to handle it.
If you want a relationship with them, what we're about to tell you is the only thing that will actually make it happen--if a relationship with them is possible. If not, by following these instructions, you'll know exactly where you stand and be able to save yourself from future heartbreak.
A couple of points before we get started:
Not everyone is going to be ready for a relationship and sometimes even the people who tell you they're open will not really be. Truly desiring an authentic relationship with one person requires a certain level of emotional maturity that honestly, not everyone has developed yet.
Some people are so swamped with other commitments in their life, career, education, family, and so on, that while they may want a relationship, they're in no position to give you the kind of relationship that you're looking for. You have to accept that not everyone is ready for that or you'll end up spinning your wheels with the wrong people.
Also, it's important to recognize that it doesn't make them a bad person. It just means that they're in a different place than you. Sometimes, because the person is actually a really good person and has a lot of the qualities you're looking for in someone, you'll be hesitant to face the fact that this person isn't ready to give you what you're looking for.
And lastly, someone who is not ready or is unwilling to have a relationship will almost never be directly upfront about that. They tend to use vague language that gives you hope but ultimately means nothing. You have to be clear about what you're looking for and discerning about what they are bringing to the table.
When you're dating, part of your job is to discover if they have the qualities that you're looking for in a partner--things like being honest, respectful, responsible, and considerate. But you also have to discover if they are on the same page as you about what you're looking for in a relationship and if there is room for the relationship to grow. Without both of these you cannot have a successful relationship.
Now let's dive in:
#1: Don't be afraid to tell them exactly what you're looking for.
Even on the first date, there is nothing wrong with saying: "I'm looking for someone that I can marry and have a family with," or "I'm looking for a Life Partner, someone I can grow old with."
If being that upfront scares someone away, they are not the one for you. How do we know? Because what you want scares them!
There are people that want what you want. There are people that want a committed partner, a family. These are real desires that a ton of people live with every day. Don't waste your time with someone who wants something casual. If they are looking for something different, let them go find that. And you go find what you're looking for.
"But won't I sound pathetic?"
NO. Being clear about what you want and letting people know it is not pathetic--it's powerful.
It only becomes pathetic if you are desperate about it and start acting like "anyone will do," or you become so fearful that you cling to someone and try to make a person commit when they are clearly showing you that they don't want to.
You're not asking them to be "the one," you're asking them if they want the same thing in their life as you do. If they do, you might be open to considering them as an option. That is a very powerful place to come from, and the only way to create the kind of relationship you want.