We often hear from our clients: "I'm seeing this guy (or girl), and everything's great when we're together, but when we're not, they don't text, they don't call, and I can't get a clear answer about 'what we are'."
Has this ever happened to you? We see it all the time. Someone wants you to be available for a good time or to keep them company, but when it comes to really giving you what you're looking for in a relationship, they're not so quick to jump on board.
This can be incredibly painful, especially when you really like someone. Every time you're together they fill you with the hope of what a relationship could be like, just to have it taken away the next day when they go dark or become distant.
So what should you do in this situation? It's easy to say let them go, but not so easy to follow through with it once they do call and it fills you with excitement.
It this post, we're going to tell you exactly how to handle it.
If you want a relationship with them, what we're about to tell you is the only thing that will actually make it happen--if a relationship with them is possible. If not, by following these instructions, you'll know exactly where you stand and be able to save yourself from future heartbreak.
A couple of points before we get started:
Not everyone is going to be ready for a relationship and sometimes even the people who tell you they're open will not really be. Truly desiring an authentic relationship with one person requires a certain level of emotional maturity that honestly, not everyone has developed yet.
Some people are so swamped with other commitments in their life, career, education, family, and so on, that while they may want a relationship, they're in no position to give you the kind of relationship that you're looking for. You have to accept that not everyone is ready for that or you'll end up spinning your wheels with the wrong people.
Also, it's important to recognize that it doesn't make them a bad person. It just means that they're in a different place than you. Sometimes, because the person is actually a really good person and has a lot of the qualities you're looking for in someone, you'll be hesitant to face the fact that this person isn't ready to give you what you're looking for.
And lastly, someone who is not ready or is unwilling to have a relationship will almost never be directly upfront about that. They tend to use vague language that gives you hope but ultimately means nothing. You have to be clear about what you're looking for and discerning about what they are bringing to the table.
When you're dating, part of your job is to discover if they have the qualities that you're looking for in a partner--things like being honest, respectful, responsible, and considerate. But you also have to discover if they are on the same page as you about what you're looking for in a relationship and if there is room for the relationship to grow. Without both of these you cannot have a successful relationship.
Now let's dive in:
#1: Don't be afraid to tell them exactly what you're looking for.
Even on the first date, there is nothing wrong with saying: "I'm looking for someone that I can marry and have a family with," or "I'm looking for a Life Partner, someone I can grow old with."
If being that upfront scares someone away, they are not the one for you. How do we know? Because what you want scares them!
There are people that want what you want. There are people that want a committed partner, a family. These are real desires that a ton of people live with every day. Don't waste your time with someone who wants something casual. If they are looking for something different, let them go find that. And you go find what you're looking for.
"But won't I sound pathetic?"
NO. Being clear about what you want and letting people know it is not pathetic--it's powerful.
It only becomes pathetic if you are desperate about it and start acting like "anyone will do," or you become so fearful that you cling to someone and try to make a person commit when they are clearly showing you that they don't want to.
You're not asking them to be "the one," you're asking them if they want the same thing in their life as you do. If they do, you might be open to considering them as an option. That is a very powerful place to come from, and the only way to create the kind of relationship you want.
#2: Don't be afraid to ask, "What are we doing here?" Finding out where they really stand can only help you in the long run.
People who are ready for a relationship will use commitment language. They will say things like: "Yes, I want someone to spend my life with too," and "Yes, I'm looking for something serious."
People who are not looking for something serious will say things like: "Let's not worry about that right now. Let's just enjoy being with each other," or "Why do we have to put a label on it? I like you, you like me. Isn't that enough?"
When people tell you things like this, you have to be honest enough with yourself and with them to say, "No that's not enough for me. I am investing my time and energy in you and if I'm going to keep doing this, I need to know that there is a real possibility of this going somewhere."
People who are not ready for a commitment will have no problem wasting your time because they have nothing to lose. That's why you must NOT be OK with wasting your time.
Why wouldn't they keep it going for as long as they could? If they enjoy your company, the sex, having someone to spend time with, they have nothing to lose. By allowing this to continue for a prolonged period of time without any clear direction, you are only hurting yourself.
#3: Being courageous enough to stand up for yourself and strong enough to walk away from a situation that's going nowhere could actually change their mind. And if it doesn't, nothing will.
When they see that you are so clear about what you want, that you are willing to walk away, and they are faced with the prospect of losing you, they just may reconsider where they stand. They may think: "Hmm, maybe I should consider a relationship with her (or him)."
Don't walk away as a game to try and manipulate a commitment from them. Really walk away!
If they follow, make sure they've had a real change of heart and that they're not just playing a game of their own.
When they call and say: "You know, I've been thinking, maybe we could make something work here," you need to be prepared to ask them directly: "Have you decided that you want a real relationship? Are you clear that you really want the same things I do?"
See if they are a clear yes or if they beat around the bush about it. If they say something like: "I'm not ready for that yet but I think I could be," in a month, you'll be right back in the same place.
They may struggle with commitment--most people do, at least to some extent. There will surely be challenges that you'll have to work through together, but if they can't give you a clear: "Yes, I want this relationship with you," they'll never be willing to do the work to overcome their commitment issues.
#4: Don't believe their words. Believe their actions.
Sadly, some people will tell you to your face that they are willing to give you everything you want and then never deliver on it.
One of our primary relationship rules is that you judge a potential partner on their actions, not on their words. Someone must commit, not only in words but in behavior. This means an exclusive relationship for starters. It also means calling, making time to see each other and spend time together, and planning dates regularly. It means that when you ask them for something, they make what you want a priority and do their best to give it to you. It doesn't mean that they are perfect, but you will clearly see that they make an effort.
People work for the things that are important to them; there is no way around it. It doesn't matter what they told you; it only matters that their actions match those words.
Some people will do the minimum amount possible to keep you around. When they feel you pulling back, they'll put in some effort and once you're back they'll pull away again. If you notice this pattern, that is a red flag that they are not worth your time.
A relationship succeeds because both partners want it and they both put in the effort to make it work. There is no substitute for this. The right person WILL MAKE THE EFFORT.
Obviously there is going to be some growing into a new relationship with someone. It doesn't make sense to ask them on the first date, "What are we doing here?" but the relationship should follow a natural progression. When someone is unwilling to take the next natural step, that is where you need to be very discerning.
Here are some general guidelines:
After 2-3 months max, you should be exclusive. After 6 months you should be "in a relationship". By one year, you should have a really solid sense of the relationship that the two of you have together, that it has the potential to go somewhere, and you're planning for the future.
If someone is preventing the relationship from unfolding along this general timeline, they are making a pretty clear statement that they're not ready to go where you want to go. If you allow that delay, you are compromising what you truly want and therefore you will not have it.
Creating the Love of your dreams means firmly standing for what you want and not settling for anything less. That is the only path to truly finding it.
Have the courage to do just that and the Love you're looking for will find its way to you.
Love is worth having. So if you don't have it, why not?
We are not gurus. We have nothing that everyone else doesn't have and no secret tricks that will magically solve your love life. All we've done is learn to navigate the wild waters of relationships in a way that led us to find and create the love we've always wanted.
And we're still working on it Every. Single. Day.
The way that we, as a culture, have learned to do relationships is not the way to find True Love. Most of us have a lot of relationship-bad-habits and it's time to unlearn them. When you do, you'll find that the love you are looking for is well within your reach.
We've found a new kind of relationship, a departure from the modern dating drama and toxicity that so many people have come to accept as normal. And our methods have helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate these challenging waters themselves to find the love they're looking for.
To find out how you can work with us and create the relationship that most people only ever dream about, click here. And if you found this post helpful, please share it with someone that you know can benefit from it!