You're a cool person--fun, attractive, successful. You've been on plenty of dates, met lots of interesting people, and had a lot of fun, but it seems like nothing ever pans out. You're wondering, "Why is that?"
It seems a huge mystery, how great people remain single for so long when it seems everyone else around them is falling in Love. There are over 327,000,000 people in the U.S. alone. Most people want a romantic partnership, so statistically speaking, the odds are actually in your favor. But the truth is, there are those that find their way into the loop of relationships and those that manage to keep themselves out of it.
If you find that you've managed to keep yourself out of the relationship loop, we want to assure you that it's not because there's something wrong with you, or because relationships don't work for you, or that you're somehow made differently than other people. We've heard all of these stories (even lived some of them ourselves), and while they will keep you out of the loop for sure, they are far from being true.
Everyone is equally capable of creating an extraordinary Love and there is most definitely someone out there that will be happy to do that with you. However, if you have habits and tendencies that avoid relationships, they will likely continue until you wake up to what you're doing.
There are many reasons that a person might feel that they are not able to meet somebody. In our many years of work we've found a few underlying causes that almost everyone will relate to regardless of individual circumstances.
In this post, we're giving you the 3 major answers to the question, "Why am I still single?" and telling you exactly what you need to do about it.
As we begin we feel it's important to point out:
Fear always lies at the root of you not finding the Love that you desire.
You may think, "I'm not afraid", but fear doesn't always look the way you might think. Which brings us to our first point.
1. One of the biggest ways that a person's fear keeps them from finding Love is by their need to be in control.
The need to be in control often stems from fear. Anger and frustration stem from fear. The inability to be authentic and vulnerable with people is also fear-based. All people have experienced hurt and rejection at some point their lives. What has happened for some is that, unconsciously, they've developed an aversion to relationships because they associate them with pain and rejection.
My heart was broken very badly when I was in high school and that heartbreak carried on well into my adult life. It took years of doing some serious work on myself before I was able to recognize how that one experience of heartbreak affected all my relationships after that. During those years, I continued having relationships with people, but because I had an unconscious fear of being hurt again, all of my relationships were with people that I never really fell in Love with.
I kept my relationships very safe--I made sure that I always had the upper hand and that no one was ever in a position to hurt me. I felt that if I was the one in control, I would protect myself, but I never experienced the kind of deep Love that I wanted or that would truly fulfill me.
I coached a woman once who was a self-proclaimed a serial dater. She would have several dates lined up with several men a week. In every single instance, after maybe 1-2 dates, she would find some reason not to continue seeing them and would move on. She had been doing this for years.
Shortly after we began coaching, we were able to identify some past pain that she was holding onto that was preventing her from taking a step towards creating a relationship with any of the men she dated. She recognized that she was creating the conditions in every situation so that she had absolute control. She was playing it safe so that she wouldn't be hurt, but she ultimately felt lonely. To her, it looked like she was doing all the right things and trying so hard to meet someone, but in reality, all she was doing was keeping herself busy in a hopeless routine. After we identified these fears and did some work around being open and taking risks in these relationships, it wasn't long before she met someone and fell in Love.
So if you find yourself being overly picky or dismissive of potential love interests, being judgmental or thinking you're better than them--Stop. Identify your fears and challenge them. Learn to see where you unconsciously try to control the situation and choose to let go. Start taking risks, be open, and see where that path leads you.
2. Fear is not always controlling; sometimes, it can be self-defeating.
Self-doubt is a huge culprit that prevents Love. Many people doubt that they are good enough to have someone fall in Love with them, especially the kind of person they want to be with. Something that is important to recognize is that you are just as good, just as capable, and just as qualified to find Love as anyone else on the planet. That being said, there may be some work to do.
Confidence is not something that people are born with--it's a quality that is cultivated. If you doubt yourself or your ability to find Love, it's simply because you haven't cultivated you personal confidence to the degree that you believe in yourself enough to make it happen. It does not mean that you can't do it, though.
Sometimes people come to us to work on finding Love and in the process they end up getting a new job, increasing their income, losing weight, paying off debt, and getting a makeover. All of this is part of the journey to feeling great about who they are and what they offer to a relationship. After proving to themselves that they are able to make such powerful shifts in their lives, finding a relationship doesn't seem so daunting.
If you feel that you are out of practice, unworthy or can't imagine how you would ever meet someone, start with something else. Make a commitment that will make you feel great about who you are and keep it. Keep that commitment, make more commitments, and keep those as well.
As we get older, more and more we retreat into our comfort zones. Learning to break that routine is essential. Success breeds success. Start with what is attainable and take steps from there. It could be as simple as taking a new class or hitting the gym. Taking actions like this will build your confidence in yourself and you'll be on your way to meeting someone and starting a relationship.
3. Sometimes our unconscious fear leads us to the wrong people
In the relationship work that we do, what we commonly find are people that end up in a string of bad relationships. Even though they have had relationships with different people, they seem to be the same kind of relationship. This often leads them to believe that "there aren't any good people out there", or "I'm never going to meet the right person", or even, "there's no one out there for me."
People tend to be attracted to people that make them feel comfortable, and what's comfortable is what is familiar. It is common for people to go to the same places and same environments to meet a new person as they did to meet the last one. They often date within the same circles of people or the same communities. Even when branching out to new places, they often look for people with a similar look or similar lifestyle. Unconsciously we look for what we know and for what is familiar. Moreover, when we have certain beliefs about relationships, we tend to seek out situations that will re-enforce those beliefs.
What's devastating about this is that people begin to feel hopeless about relationships as a whole without realizing that they are actually creating the conditions in which the relationships are unlikely to succeed.
Lisa Firestone Ph. D. says: " Many people have an unconscious motivation to seek out relationships that reinforce critical thoughts they have long had toward themselves and replay negative aspects of their childhoods. These may be unpleasant, but breaking with old patterns can cause us a great deal of anxiety and discomfort and make us feel strangely alien and alone in a more loving environment. "
In our experience coaching, once people recognize what they are doing and how they are doing it, they usually begin to develop very different ideas about what they are attracted to. Something that we'll often recommend is to take up a new hobby or activity, something that you've always wanted to do but have never gotten around to, and meet new people who enjoy doing that same thing. In this way you break out of your normal routine and you begin to surround yourself with people of different interests and ideas.
There are undoubtedly many more issues we could address around this topic, but at the core they all stem from our fears, and fear oftentimes his leads us to avoidance. If you're committed to finding Love and fast, our first recommendation is to work with a coach. Uncovering these unconscious patterns is easy when working with someone who knows how to distinguish them. Once you become aware of them, you'll find it easy to start making different choices.
Additionally, we think the suggestions made in this article can be summed up as follows:
1. Whenever you notice a need to be in control, an unwillingness to be open, or an attempt to guard yourself from pain--Stop it and choose to do the opposite. You may experience hurt at times, but you'll be free to choose and that's really what makes us feel alive.
2. If you struggle with confidence (and even if you don't) do things and live your life in a way that makes you feel great about you. Take actions that cultivate confidence and develop a sense of certainty about what you bring to a relationship.
3. Notice your routines and habits around relationships and find ways to break them. Notice any common threads you have in your past relationships and consciously make choices that will eliminate the possibility of repeating that. Actively pursue events and experiences that will have you encounter different kinds of people, and will ultimately broaden your relationship horizons.
And as always, take care of yourself and the people you Love!
The Living Relationship
Our story is your story. Two people, perfectly flawed in all kind of ways, traveling the path of Life together and learning what works and what doesn't from study, success and failure.
What we know is this, relationships can be safe, kind, loving, understanding and intimate. Fighting is never necessary, and Love is the strongest force in the universe.
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