If you're anything like us then you are probably asking yourself, "Why doesn't dating work for me?"
For many of us, past relationships have led us to believe that we are somehow different from everyone else. You end up thinking you're too much for people, nobody understands you, or relationships just don't work for you.
Can you relate?
Quality people usually struggle with modern dating. It's counterintuitive--you would think that dating is easier for them, but really it's not.
The modern dating game--or dating drama as we like to call it--is governed by strange laws that, in most cases, don't support successful relationships. People who are searching for authentic Love, who are not willing to compromise their desires and values, are the ones who struggle with it the most and often end up feeling defeated and hopeless.
The people who are not willing to participate with the insane dramas that are going on in the dating world will feel very out of place when they try to take part in it. If you're like us then you've certainly encountered this frustration.
You've probably thought to yourself, "If this is what's out there then I'd rather be alone," yet when you are alone you long for someone to be there with you and you wish to share your life with someone that you relate to on the deepest levels.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news is that you will never feel at home in the crazy dating world. It will always be foreign to you because honestly, you're above it.
But that's also the good news. You ARE better than that, and because of that, there are opportunities for you to have True Love in a way that most people never find.
In this post, we're going to explain why dating has always felt so hard for you. Once you understand this, you will never see it the same way again.
So let's talk about the strange laws that govern modern dating. We've broken it down into 4 main points:
Protect Your Image
Compete With Each Other
Always Maintain the Position of Power
Make It All About Sex
#1 Protect Your Image
Since we've never received a healthy education on this subject, for the most part, dating ends up being a re-playing of our high school dramas in a new way. People thrive on drama and there is no more exciting place to fill your life with drama than in the dating game.
Most of us don't usually begin a first date by thinking:
"How can I really get to know this person?"
"How can I help them to really get to know me?"
"How can we connect in a way that shows us the possibility of a future together?"
"Let me be really present to this person's character so I can accurately determine if they're someone I want to see again."
On a first date, you're usually thinking something like:
"I hope they're not weird."
"I hope they don't think I'm weird."
"I hope this doesn't suck."
"How do I look?"
"What are they thinking about me?"
I don't think I have to explain why that doesn't set the relationship up to win.
You're not trying to help the person see who you are--you're trying to be who you think they want you to be. On some level, you also know that they're doing the same thing, so, at the same time, you're trying to see through their act to figure them out.
This process begins with both people having their guard up, putting on an act for each other, and all the while wondering what the other person is thinking, thinking about what they should say or do next, and what they're going to tell your friends about this person when it is over.
You may not be like this (and at times, you might) but you have to understand that this is how people are doing it. If you find it difficult to have authentic connection while you're dating, this is why.
#2 Compete With Each Other
From the beginning, dating is a competition to try and get the upper hand, a conquest to see who can "hook" the other person, and a test to find who will be accepted and who will be rejected.
We constantly hear people judging and criticizing people they've gone out with, laughing about that person with their friends and posting about it on social media.
When you meet someone for a first date there is this strange dichotomy, that your relationship is either going to be incredibly positive or incredibly negative. You either fall in Love or you get rejected.
Because you are operating under all this pressure and because you know how judgmental people are in general, you are afraid to be authentic. You have horrible first dates because you're trying too hard to avoid judgment, which usually gets you judged even harder. We often end up seeing the worst of these people and those are the grounds we end up using as a base for our assessments of them.
We make it very difficult for people to get to know us, and they make it difficult too. Dating is not an emotionally safe environment and without that, you can't expect to have connection.
Even when you do like someone, you're told not to call or text too often because they might know you like them. (Huh???) The saying goes, "play hard to get", but when you play it too hard they stop and if you don't play it hard enough they think they "have" you. You're constantly trying to find a balance, and dating becomes a stressful, hostile and oftentimes hopeless situation.
#3 Always Maintain the Position of Power
One of the most essential laws of dating is: NEVER be vulnerable.
This is particularly devastating to the prospect of finding True Love because real connection is only found through vulnerability. It is through exercising vulnerability that you see the true beauty in each other and the only way that you can truly touch each others' hearts.
Because of this rule, we end up holding back our greatest qualities. We dress up really nice and hope they like what they see on the surface, but we don't let them get to really know us.
Rather than creating relationship, we attempt to create attraction. Dating becomes about getting them to be more attracted to you than you are to them.
Make them chase you. If you can do that, you have "won", so to speak. Now you are in the position of power and you can pull the strings in the relationship.
This dynamic ruins the opportunity to meet as equals which is what authentic relationships are all about. In this game of trying to maintain the position of power, both people send a subtle message that "you're not good enough for me." It chips away at the self-esteem of both people and you end up building a kind of resistance to each other, a dynamic that usually ends in heartache.
#4 Make It All About Sex
There is nothing less relevant to authentic connection than sex.
This may sound backward because we associate sex with connection, but it's honestly not related. Of course sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but it's really not important in dating. In fact, it's a huge distraction.
Real connection comes through emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy alone cannot reach this. We often attempt to create true connection through physical intimacy, but it never works. If you've ever been in a relationship where all you had in common was great sex, you know how disinteresting that becomes after a while.
Even though sex is mostly irrelevant in terms of true compatibility, it is all we think about in dating. Men are usually trying to figure out how to get women to have sex while women are trying to decide whether to do it or not.
Sex is on everyone's mind from the time you begin seeing each other. It's the elephant in the room that nobody is talking about, and the longer you're dating, the bigger it gets until you do it.
Once you do start sleeping together, this mainly becomes the focus of the relationship for as long as that can last (which is only maybe a few months). When the high of having great sex begins to wear off, many couples start to realize that they have nothing else in common.
Because sex is receiving so much attention, actually getting to know the person becomes secondary. What often happens is that couples try to make their relationship work because they're having sex with each other, rather than having sex as part of a working relationship between them.
Nobody has ever regretted waiting and getting to know the person, but people often regret getting into bed too soon only to realize that they have no real interest in this person.
After doing this a few times, you can certainly start to feel hopeless about what dating has to offer.
So what do you do about all this?
You can't try to win at a game that is set up for you to lose. The dating game is not going to change. It is set up the way it is and the people who continue engaging with it will continue getting the same results.
You have to break all the rules and refuse to participate in them at all costs.
Be open, authentic, and vulnerable, meet people as equals, and don't make sex such a big deal. Let people really get to know you, and you really get to know them. You will freak some people out, and that's OK. They're the ones playing a game that you don't want to take part in anyway.
When someone is attempting to play these games with you, walk away. Make a clear statement to everyone that you are not participating anymore. You create your own game and invite people to come play that one.
That is really what it's all about--creating your game. The way to win the war is to walk off the battlefield. Let those who want to come with you join you. Before you know it, you're in a whole other league.
If you want to chat with us about creating your own game, click here.
A Conscious Approach to dating and Relationships...
We are not gurus. We have nothing that everyone else doesn't have and no secret tricks that will magically solve your love life. All we've done is learn to navigate the wild waters of relationships in a way that led us to find and create the love we've always wanted.
And we're still working on it Every. Single. Day.
The way that we, as a culture, have learned to do relationships is not the way to find True Love. Most of us have a lot of relationship-bad-habits and it's time to unlearn them. When you do, you'll find that the love you are looking for is well within your reach.
We've found a new kind of relationship, a departure from the modern dating drama and toxicity that so many people have come to accept as normal. And our methods have helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate these challenging waters themselves to find the love they're looking for.
And you could be next! To find out how you can work with us and create the relationship that most people only ever dream about, click here. If you found this post helpful, please share it with someone that you know will benefit from it!