It's not news to anyone that relationships are sometimes the aspects of our life that challenge us the most. Especially in intimate relationships between a man and a woman, it can sometimes seem impossible to be heard, understood, and valued. When it comes to dating, truly getting to know someone can be a great challenge. The games between men and women can be so frustrating that we doubt if we'll ever meet someone that's a good match, or if there are even any out there.
Over the years, we as a culture have had many different ways of coping with the differences between men and women. In our society today, we have taken massive leaps toward equality which is a huge success for the consciousness of people. We've departed from the strict roles that men and women used to observe and in doing so we've opened up a world of possibilities.
True Love is available now more than ever before. We are now opening up to a kind of depth of relationship that throughout history has rarely been found.
Yet finding someone that you can share that Love with, for many people, still proves to be more difficult than ever. In our cultural evolution, we've left some traditional paradigms behind, but we've also lost sight of some values that were once thought to be sacred. In our resistance to the old paradigm, we've gone so far in the other direction that we've lost touch with something essential that lies at the very core of our human heart.
There is a New Kind of Relationship emerging that more and more men and women are beginning to discover. As we learn to integrate the principles of honor, respect, and dignity in our rapidly changing modern society and in the modern relationships that result from it, we are re-discovering and re-defining what it means to be in Love. The couples that create this together are finding Love like never before.
If you find that you are struggling in your Love life, it may be that you have a sense that this kind of relationship is what you're looking for but haven't yet been able to define it. Here we are defining it so you can better understand this new Love and create it for yourself.
Let's look at the 1950's marriage. Security, not Love, was the main concern in most relationships. Society valued marriage, but not because we truly believed in Love on its own as a culture, but because of the quality of life that marriage offered. Women at that time were rarely able to provide for themselves, so they clung to a man to ensure that they would be taken care of. Men, on the other hand, had little involvement in household responsibilities and relied on the woman for things such as cooking, cleaning, raising the children and so on.
In this strict adherence to the masculine and feminine roles, there was a certain symbiosis. There was a feeling of being a team as a family, and there were principles and values that were honored. Marriage was respected and cherished. There was pride in a man providing for his family and in a woman providing for her home. There was a code to live by and adhere to that led to safety, security, and appreciation among partners.
There were also some fundamental problems with this system, some of the biggest being the inequality of women and the forced nature of societal roles.
A woman would often work twice as hard as her man, in that she would often work on her home responsibilities all day and then care for her husband and children at night. She was oftentimes seen as subservient and would rarely produce any income of her own. She was tied to her husband in that she couldn't provide for herself and or children without him. He was tied to her in that he couldn't care for the family and household alone. There was a co-dependence in this arrangement that often led to some form of relationship dysfunction.
Because the masculine and feminine roles were so strongly defined, both were pushed into a situation in which they could not survive without each other. Due to the forced nature of the situation, especially when it wasn't a happy one, this dynamic became a kind of emotional prison. Inevitably, this would lead to resistance--women wanting to experience equality and men wanting to experience freedom.
This resistance led to a revolution in the way men and women define their roles, in their relationships and in society. In the process, we as a society are experiencing a drastic shift in values, some for better and some for worse.
Essentially, there was a shift from co-dependence and collectivism to independence and individualism. Many women now focus on developing their careers and finding financial stability on their own before choosing to marry and have children (if they choose that at all) and in some instances, make more money than men. Increasingly, we see men raising children alone or choosing to be stay-at-home dads. The archetypal family as it was traditionally is no longer considered a necessity and in many ways is looked down upon.
There is no longer a sense that we need each other. In fact, we are often very quick to say, "I don't need anyone. I can do it all myself."
While this quest for independence and individualism has led us to incredible breakthroughs in equality and freedom, it has also led to a degeneration in human connection. A man used to ask a woman's father if he could take her out and there was a mutual understanding that they were both looking for a life partner. There was an etiquette of how they should behave with each other and they both had certain moral expectations of the other person.
The old values were "we" values--family, community, country. Today our values are "me" values--my needs, my possessions, my identity, what I want. Of course we would make this shift coming from a culture that denied the importance of the individual in favor of the collective. In essence, it is a generational course-correction towards fulfillment and true happiness. But this change, taken to the extreme, could also deny us some of the most fundamental aspects of what we truly crave as human beings.
Today, dating has become an anything-goes playing field and there is a huge lack of respect and dignity for each other. There is a sense that people are disposable--if they don't meet my needs/expectations they get discarded and I move on to the next thing. This kind of behavior can be incredibly painful for everyone involved.
Our culture idolizes the "playboy" and the "player"--a man that enjoys himself, has casual relationships (often several at the same time), is desired by women but does not respect them. In this way, boys are being raised to take pride in their ability to manipulate and use women freely rather than behave responsibly and with honor towards them.
By the same token, girls are often taught to find a man with money or to be so successful that they don't need a man. Because the world has not been safe for women (and in many cases still isn't), they have been taught to close their nurturing hearts, to be cold, defensive, and guarded. In this way, we are teaching our young women to value independence, materialism, and popularity.
It is a good thing that we, as people, are accepting a personal responsibility for our own happiness, but we are oftentimes misguided as to where that happiness truly lies. Our drive towards independence and individuality has allowed us some freedom but at the same time, is entrapping us in new ways.
We don't need each other to survive as we used to. We need each other to thrive.
A study a Cornell University found that "married individuals reported the highest level of subjective well-being, followed (in order) by individuals in cohabiting relationships, steady dating relationships, and casual dating relationships. Individuals who dated infrequently or not at all were found to be the least happy."
We have an inherent need for Love, acceptance, and partnership. Without it, we suffer.
The reason marriage is an institution (Disclaimer: we personally don't believe you have to be "married") is that this kind of partnership provides the security that we as human beings need to have a fulfilling Life. While the old model of marriage is not sufficient, we cannot find our happiness in such a degree of independence that we render the opposite sex or a potential partner disposable or obsolete.
This brings us to the New Kind of Relationship.
As the traditional man honored his family, marriage, loyalty, fidelity, and respect, so does the new man. As he saw himself as the provider and protector of his woman and family, he sees himself the same. As he was the rock on which his family was built and the concreteness that held it together, he is as well. He lives by a code and by principles, and he honors his word.
As a departure from both the traditional and modern man, the new man sees his woman as his equal, and he shares equal responsibility in the relationship. He sees his woman's needs and desires as vitally important and is consistent in his effort to please her. He has a deep understanding of the value that she adds to his Life and he cherishes that.
Because he is secure in his masculinity, he doesn't need to be "macho". He is sensitive and compassionate and this adds to his strength rather than diminishing it. He also recognizes that the reward of sharing his life with one woman is far more valuable than the thrill of womanizing, and so he values monogamy.
The new woman is extraordinarily feminine in all the ways that women have always been. This in no way diminishes her power. She may choose to have a career or not. In either case, her femininity remains intact. She delights in caring for her partner and family, not because she is made to, but because she experiences her own fullness. She also accepts support from them.
She is very clear on what she expects a relationship to provide for her and is not interested in anything less. She is conscious that she doesn't want to be alone and doesn't pretend otherwise, but would rather be alone than in an unfulfilling relationship. When dating someone who doesn't show the promise of what she is looking for, she doesn't waste her time (or theirs).
She understands her value and while she honestly desires to share her life with a man, she knows she doesn't "need" one in the traditional sense. She is capable, resourceful, sexy, confident, fun, and retains a very high level of respect for herself. She is not "easy" and she doesn't settle, but she's also humble and grounded. She truly appreciates the effort of her partner and graciously returns his effort with her own.
In relationship, these two embody the best that men and women have to offer. They respect, understand, and validate each other. They work hard for each other and because of that, they trust each other.
She feels safe with him because of his gentleness and consistent effort in their relationship. She is loyal to him because of this. He feels at home with her because she believes in him and supports him, and because she creates a home for them both.
They lift each other up, encourage each other, and they are invested in each other winning both in their relationship, and in Life. They resolve their disagreements peacefully, with respect, Love, and open hearts. They share life responsibilities equally, as partners.
They both live as though their relationship is a space to give to, rather than to take from. In this way, they show their Love for each other. They come together for a greater purpose than serving themselves. They serve a relationship that fulfills them both.
In a sense, we have lost our way in our departure from strict masculine and feminine roles. It's time to re-orient ourselves. It's time that we fully offer the gifts that as men and women we truly have to offer each other. Our survival-based thinking of the past has in a way prevented us from being able to truly appreciate these gifts. Now we are becoming conscious enough to see and accept them.
It is only in this New Kind of Relationship that we can find the Love that we are truly seeking. As we move from independence to interdependence, we come together not because we need to, but because we choose to; not to take, but to share. This is the true way of Love. This New Relationship is emerging as a doorway for us to grow deeper in Love, to heal the pain of the past, and to free ourselves and each other.
If you'd like to know how you can work with us in creating this New Kind of Relationship for yourself, click here.
Thanks for reading. Remember to Love yourself and others <3
We believe that Love makes the world a better place and we want you to have it!
Having gone through many years of relationship challenges ourselves, we've discovered firsthand what it takes to create True Love.
We are simply two people, perfectly flawed in all kinds of ways, traveling the path of Life together, making mistakes, growing through them, and learning from success and failure.
Love is the most important thing in Life. If you're missing it, you're missing out.
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