Many of us struggle to get a sane answer to this question. Opinions on this range from the extremes of "as soon as possible", which is highly unwise, to "not until marriage", which is highly unrealistic.
In addition to that, we're often caught between conflicting thoughts and feelings like wanting them to like us and fear of them losing interest. When we really get honest with ourselves, most of us would prefer to wait a while and establish more trust and comfort with the person before taking the relationship to that level.
On the other hand, we've seen relationships that were ready to go there avoid doing so because of certain dogmas or ideas about how it's supposed to be. This, while less destructive than jumping into bed too early, still doesn't really do the relationship or the individuals any justice.
It would seem that there is a right time to get physical with someone you're dating and yet it would also seem that time is different for every person and situation. Rather than writing a post that tells you what to do with your life, we prefer to create content that encourages you to be more critical-thinking in determining what the right choice for you is, and that's what we're going to do here in this post.
The most important thing to recognize is that from the moment you engage with someone, you are creating your relationship with them whether you're doing it consciously or unconsciously. Choosing to sleep with someone is not an empty act, it is a highly creative one and will certainly shape your relationship for better or for worst.
In this post, we're going to give you some powerful things to consider regarding getting into bed with someone new. If you honestly consider these ideas, you will find it easy to determine what the right time is for you.
Idea #1 Do you want to be perceived as easy?
We want you to consider the implications of being easy...
This is what we found with a quick google search on "quotes about things that come easy":
"Nothing worth having comes easy."
"What comes easy won't last and what lasts won't come easy."
"Easy come, easy go."
"The most worthwhile things in life rarely come easy."
"Great things never come easy."
And most everything else is a variation on these same ideas.
Things that come easy are generally perceived as lacking worth. We're not saying that it actually lacks worth, but only pointing out that it tends to be perceived that way.
You are certainly incredibly worthy, as we all are, and we would never question that. But part of consciously creating your ideal relationship requires you to be conscious of how you are perceived by others and present yourself as someone of high worth and value.
We've found that people who have a clear understanding of how worthy and valuable they are also intuitively understand this and present themselves accordingly. We've also found that when people choose to sleep with someone based on pressure or wanting to please the other person, they tend to not understand how worthy they truly are.
This in turn translates to the other person as well. They will also experience you as being unworthy and it's unlikely they'll develop a sincere interest in you.
Earning someone's respect is about owning your own worth and value. When you see it, they will too. Until then, you can bend over backward trying to please them and they will still not respect you.
Please do not hear this as a judgment about your choice to sleep with someone. We have no judgment and we've both made choices in the past that we would choose differently today. The point is that when someone has to work for something, they tend to value that thing more.
Of course, you're not a thing, but to a great extent, that principle still applies.
By not being easy, you subconsciously communicate your value to others and by being easy you subconsciously communicate a lack of value. This may not be true in every instance, but it's true enough to be an important factor in how quickly you choose to take your relationship to that level.
Idea #2 Consider the emotional implications
Imagining that you can have no-strings-attached sex with no residual feeling about it may work just fine for a sociopath or narcissist, but for you, a human being with a sensitive heart and an honest desire for Love, that's highly unlikely.
You may think that emotional tenderness is weak and it certainly appears that way when you subject yourself to the narcissists of the world, but in truth--
It's a superpower.
It is a highly evolved quality, not a basic one.
That emotional tenderness is what will allow you to have an Epic Love Story that most people will only ever fantasize about.
But when you open that sensitive part of yourself up to the wrong person, you will likely experience some highly negative fallout. We see this happen all of the time.
Rather than expecting that you should be able to sleep with someone and be completely ok if you never speak to them again, it would be better for you to honor that you can't. Recognize that sharing that level of relationship is a gift for the right person and not something that just anyone is entitled to.
It's not a casual encounter but rather a special encounter to share with someone special.
When you sleep with someone, you open yourself up to them on many levels--physical, mental, emotional. Like it or not, the experience doesn't end when you put your clothes back on. It is an experience that will preoccupy you for weeks and even months.
Before you decide to get in bed with someone, it would be wise to consider what makes someone worth going there with you and choose not do it until they have shown themselves to be that person.
After all, why should someone who's only interested in using you for personal gratification get the satisfaction of doing so? How is that fair to you? And what impact will that have on your identity and self-worth?
If you want to feel confident and empowered in your life, it's essential that you don't engage in behavior that is emotionally disempowering. In this respect allowing someone to use you for sex is one of the worst things you can do.
Don't diminish the importance of taking this step with someone and Love yourself enough to consciously choose when and why you do so. This will empower you and prevent a ton of unnecessary dating drama that only distracts you from finding the Love you deserve and truly want to have.
Idea #3 Sex is part of a relationship, not a shortcut to get one
There's no doubt that sex is the easiest and fastest way to get close to someone. For that reason alone, many people make it their primary way of getting close to others. By sleeping with someone, you can experience a rush of feeling and intimacy in minutes that would have taken much longer to achieve otherwise.
But when you look at how this plays out over time, sleeping with someone right away rarely leads to anything more than casual sex, and even when it does, it's not because of the sex.
When we rely on sex as a basis for a relationship, our relationships inevitably end up being shallow and unfulfilling. Sex makes the relationship feel amazing for a short time but when that wears off, we find there's not much else and we either have to start creating it or we lose interest.
The biggest problem is that we often end up in relationships because we're sleeping together, not because we have a true connection with someone. We try to maintain the relationship in order to maintain the sex whereas if we hadn't gone there so quickly, we would have likely realized we didn't have much in common, saving ourselves a lot of heartache.
When sex is something you share as a part of your already existing connection, it feels safe, intimate, Loving, honoring, and respectful. When it's had casually, it often lacks these qualities and even when they are felt momentarily, it doesn't last.
This isn't intended to be a prudish dictation of moral philosophy. It's simply what we've observed. Time and time again people try to find Love through sex and at the end of the day, they end up empty-handed.
If you're someone who is just looking to date casually, have a good time, and have different experiences with different people, then it really doesn't matter what you do. You'll end up having all kinds of experiences, going through a range of many emotions, and getting what you get out of all of it--and there's nothing wrong with that. If you want to play, play. Enjoy the game and see what you get from it.
Most of us will get tired of playing and recognize that we want more than to just "play the game". If you've reached this point, becoming conscious about who, when, and why you choose to sleep with someone is vitally important.
So when is the right time to sleep with someone? Ultimately, it comes down to when you feel that you authentically want to. Not because of fear and pressure, but because it's what you genuinely want. We would definitely recommend that you take some time to get to know the person and if you want a committed relationship, make sure they are someone you think you have real potential with.
In most situations, we think it's a good idea to wait at least a month. That's usually long enough to lose anyone who was only interested in you for sex and to get a pretty good idea of their character, as long as you've been connecting with them consistently.
Again, this isn't written to tell you what's right for you but to instead encourage you to discover what's right for you. Ask yourself what you need to see from someone before you take that step with them and stick to it. Understand that while not everyone has the best intentions, you have the power to decide who you let into your life. And being conscious about this will prevent a lot of unnecessary trouble.
If you're struggling with this right now, or if you've gotten into a situation that in retrospect you realize you shouldn't have, click here to schedule a session with us. We'd Love to explore this more deeply with you.
As always, thanks for reading and lots of Love <3
Thank you so much for enjoying our content! Our greatest joy comes from knowing that people like you are using it to transform your lives and relationships and that the world is becoming a better place because of it.
We know the feeling of being alone, of struggling through what seems like an endless series of dead-end relationships, of waiting for the phone to ring, of being rejected and let down again and again.
We know what it's like to go to bed alone each night wondering if that will ever change and fearing that it might not.
We know these experiences all too well and that is why we do the work we do. We want you to know that you can find Love, that the application of these simple tools and practices can make a complete difference in every aspect of your Love life, ultimately leading you to the intimate, loving, lifetime partnership you so deeply crave.
You're not in this alone. We're here for you <3