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Why Am I Attracted to People Who Hurt Me?


Love and relationships don't always make sense.


When it comes to Love, we often have a way of walking away from the relationship we truly want the most and chasing someone who will do nothing but bring us pain.


For some reason, the person who is almost certain to hurt you is often the person that you find most attractive, while someone that would Love you and be good to you feels dull, boring, and unexciting.


Somehow, we've confused the potential for suffering with excitement and the fear of abandonment with attraction. So the more we fear losing someone, the more attracted we are to them, and the more drama they create for us, the harder we work to keep them around.


This leaves us in a perpetual cycle of trying to be happy but never actually achieving it.


Deep down you know you want True Love, trust, and intimacy but time and time again you walk away from someone who could offer you just that and end up trying to prove yourself to someone who will never truly appreciate you.


And you're not the only one who's doing this, we promise.


So what is this all about? Why are we attracted to people who bring us pain and how do we stop it?


In this post, we're going to explain why this is happening and how to break the cycle for good.




First, let's discuss Trauma Bonding


Trauma Bonding is when we are attracted to someone because they remind us of our past traumas.


A good example of this would be if you have an ex who broke your heart, you might be attracted to people who remind you of that person. You may seek out relationships with people who look like them or act like them, in a sense, trying to get a do-over and get it right this time.


Another example could be if someone you were attracted to in middle school or high school rejected you (perhaps your first crush). You may create an attraction to people that resemble them in some way or make you feel the way that they made you feel.


More often than not, our trauma bonds are related to unresolved aspects of our relationships with our parents, ways that we didn't feel acknowledged or validated. We then seek out relationships with people who reflect those dynamics.


These kinds of trauma bonds are rooted in a desire to heal the past by getting a second chance. The unconscious idea is that if I can get Love from this person, that will make up for the Love I didn't get from my parents or my ex.


The problem is that we are seeking out dynamics that reflect that trauma, so most likely we will not find the Love we're looking for but instead experience more abandonment and rejection.


This pattern snowballs over time and we end up in relationships with people who make us feel like we're never enough for them and we're constantly trying to prove ourselves.


To heal from these trauma bonds, you have to recognize that there is no one you could ever prove yourself to that will make you feel like enough. The only person you ever need to convince is yourself and when you do that, you'll overcome the need to prove yourself to others.


Once that happens, your attractions start to change as well. Because you're no longer trying to make up for the pain of the past, you lose attraction to the people who reflect that past and become drawn to people who support your happiness.



The Next Step: Clarify Your Attraction


Most people have no clear idea of what they really want in a relationship.