Search

What To Do When Your Man Is Attracted To Other Women


Do you feel as though your man has a wandering eye?


This comes up a lot, especially for new couples. You wonder, "Why can't he just keep his eyes on me?" Sometimes this makes you feel insecure about yourself. Maybe you feel that you're not pretty enough or that you should somehow be doing more to keep his interest.


You hear people say, "That's just how men are, don't make a big deal of it," and sometimes you think, "If I could just be more secure about myself, I would have nothing to worry about." You know you shouldn't overreact about it and yet you want to feel safe in your relationship together.


The thing is you should feel secure in your relationship, and you should be with someone who wants to make you feel that way. So how do you navigate this oftentimes difficult subject? Fortunately, we've had the opportunity to work with many women who have asked that very question and we have a lot of insight to offer on the topic.


In this post, we'll explain exactly how to approach this sensitive topic with your partner--especially if you're in a new relationship--and how you need to be so that it doesn't come as an issue ever again.



Are men really just that way?


It's a common idea that men are just like that--they like to look at other women. While there is some truth to that (generally speaking, men tend to be more visually stimulated than women), it's not license for someone to be inconsiderate of your feelings, and certainly not license for infidelity. Any man who tries to use this as an excuse or a cop-out for his behavior has a lot emotional maturing to do.


That being said, not only do men arguably have some predisposition towards this behavior, but we also live in a culture in which this behavior has been encouraged in men from a very young age. Many men were taught to objectify women by their fathers and other male role models as far back as they can remember. Even if they had positive male role models in their life, they've certainly been subjected to this mentality in other social situations, and most men will have picked this up, at least to some degree.


While this is not intended to excuse any behavior, a measure of compassion for the true challenge that some men struggle in this area will go a long way. Still, the question remains--how do you deal with it in a relationship? Compassion does not mean anything goes. In fact, sometimes the most compassionate thing to do about a situation is to put a stop to it.


First, understand that this is not about you not being enough in some way. His attractions are about him.


Second, learn to accept that he is attracted to the female form. Of course he is--he's attracted to you!


Attempting to rid him of his attractions is resisting something that is operating at a very core level of his psyche. If you attack that, he will feel inadequate. It is in this way that jealous women can actually drive their men toward other women. When you make him feel inadequate as a man, he will lose attraction to you.


Accepting his attractions does not mean that you compromise your own dignity or need for respect. If you allow this to happen, he will lose respect for you. An extreme example of this is when women allow their men to sleep around under the guise of "it's just how men are/how they are meant to be." In this example, women are not holding themselves or their men to their greatness. He will lose respect for you because you are allowing your dignity to be compromised, and he will not respect the relationship because there is nothing being held sacred about it.


A woman who can accept her man fully, while holding him to his greatness and demanding that he honor her and their relationship completely, is irresistibly sexy to a man.


It's his conduct that is in question, not his attractions. Does he conduct himself in a way that honors you and your relationship? Some men may come to this on their own and others may need some support in getting there. We think that most men are willing to take that leap when presented with the promise of a relationship that's worth it.


If you find that you do not feel safe in the relationship as a result of his conduct, two things become necessary:

1. You are clear with yourself (and him) about conduct that is and is not acceptable.

2. Your relationship together is so attractive to him that he wants to grow as an individual in order to be the man that can give you the respect you deserve.


You'll need to have clear boundaries around what conduct is appropriate and what is not. When you are clear about what boundaries are needed for you to feel respected and honored, you will need to discuss this together and agree upon those boundaries.


Some examples of boundaries that our clients have set are:


No pornography


No "liking" provocative images on social media